My New Year post last year confessed that I had depression.
This year I confess that I still have depression. I had been hopeful that by
this time this year I wouldn't but I do. And I expect to still have depression
this time next year. Fortunately, I can say I no longer suffer from depression
but I still live with it, every single day. And I have not done it alone, not
by any means. I've also had do a lot of stuff to keep the darkness at bay. I'm
going to share some of the things I have done this year, in the hopes to give
someone else hope. Hope that it is possible to live with depression and have a
full life.
I've checked in with my DR often. She is keeping a close eye
on me as we adjust medications and just to generally see how I am doing. This
has been an important piece in my care.
I have talked with various counsellors, both on the phone
and in person. It's nice to be validated.
At the beginning of the year I started a new job. This has
made a huge difference. I actually want to go to work now. Some days when
snuggling with crying children I can't believe this is actually my job, that I
actually get paid to do it. No more night shifts have helped a lot and not as
many 12 hour shifts have helped me feel like I have a life. I may have to be
there a little more often, but I'm a lot more productive on my days off because
I don't feel like a zombie (and ya'll know how much I hate zombies) all the
time. This job came with perfect timing.
I went to Brave Girls Camp in March. We laughed and laughed.
We sang. Nancy
I went to Sister Camp in Arkansas
Which brings me to my next point. I chose to be present with
my niece and nephews. Spending a day at Storybook park with my Lexi turned into
"The best day ever" (her words) and a really fun day for me too. Lexi
is really curious and asks tons of questions, she has taught me to explain my
health teaching to my patients more simply and to compare it to something they
already know if I can. Snuggling a
sleeping Thomas is extremely relaxing. When Lochlan studies my face, I study
his too. Lochlan instinctively knows that I am someone he can count on. He
probably sees me better than anyone else and he is only 6 months old.
I took the year off from dating. Seriously, I didn't have a
single date and I'm completely okay with that. I really had to spend this year
focusing on me and not putting all my hopes and dreams and desires and
happiness in one basket..err boy. That said. I'm really excited to get back at
it this year. So if you know anyone??
I entered the 21st century and finally bought a cell phone
and a smart phone at that. My cell phone has made me more connected with my
siblings. Patti sends me photos of Loch often
and if I'm feeling down I can just send a text to Katie telling her I love her
and she always sends me one back. It has helped me feel less isolated from
them. And it's the best way to get in contact with Dan and Tim.
Purging things out of my house has also made a difference. I
love to keep everything but this year I started to look at the items in my home
and in my closest and asked myself if they are useful or bring me joy. I've
been carrying around lots of stuff that I have no use for anymore. It is
perfectly okay to let go of things that no longer serve you, even if they use
to mean a lot to you once. There are a few things I know I need to let go (like
the CD player I practically wore out as a teenager or the giant bear I won at
Canada's Wonderland when I was 8) that I'm not really ready to let go of yet. Part of
my self care is recognizing that and being gentle with myself and knowing that
when the time is right I will be able to let them go.
Letting go of things have also allowed me to curate my home.
It meant going to second hand shops, flee markets and antique stores and
picking items with purpose and joy. I'm getting to the point where everything
in my house is here because I want it to be and not because I needed an item
and someone gave it to me. I feel like I have created a home and I'm really
proud of how it is coming together.
I spent a weekend in two small cottages only 20mis away from
home writing my book, fleshing out Beth and Nate and Jake. Sharing my work with
other writers. I need to write, even if no one ever sees it.
I went to an art dance retreat with a co-worker and I took
back my dance. Dancing had never been the same after breaking up with my first
boyfriend in my early 20s (we went dancing together often) and during this
retreat, I just let go and dance felt authentic again. That has lead to Zumba
class, Nia class and Backstreet Boy dance parties in my living room.
I am taking back my body. Depression has messed with it a
little. I am seeing a dietician to help me put good things in my body. I am
exercising more consistently. I am drinking lots of water. I have more energy
and am not as tired anymore.
I stopped reading books I didn't want to read. That has
meant I don't finish every book I pick up anymore. It has meant putting some
books immediately in the give away pile after I've finished them.
I paid someone to cut the grass a couple times. I will be
paying all summer this year. My grass is a constant stress for me - it just
wont stop growing! No stress if I don't have to cut it.
I created a Saturday morning ritual. Yoga class, Farmers
Market, Chai Tea latte and a wander downtown. It's a nice way to start the
weekend.
I focused on my faith. I became part of a bible study of
women whom I am so blessed to know. I pray every night. First thanking GOD for
the day, asking for support for someone else and always ending asking GOD to
prepare me for HIS plan. I'm starting to recognize when the enemy is speaking
to me and I tell him to get lost.
It has been a full year, I've done a lot of work. I'm really
excited to see what all that work will bring me for this year. I hope it will
help me stop wasting time on Facebook, strengthen my boundaries, find the perfect
art supply storage solution and plan more trips.
Welcome 2016, it's nice to meet you!
