Redifining Beauty?

This August I had the pleasure of having my four year old niece Lexi over for a sleepover. You can learn a lot from a four year old.
While she was getting dressed that morning she says; "I have a cute bum." "I have a cute belly."

"Who told you that?" I asked her.

"I just knowed."

Miss Lexi Lou

When relaying this to my 91 year old Grandmother a few weeks ago, she said; "Well someone must have told her that."

It got me thinking. Maybe someone did tell Lexi she has a cute bum or belly but she owns it. She declares it is true. I think we are born knowing what the best parts of us are. We LEARN what others think are the worst or less desirable parts of us are. Then we own it and declare it as true. We forget we ever knew what the best parts of us are.

It's a fact that babies are drawn to beautiful things. Why do you think they love necklaces and hair so much? They also don't know it's not polite to stare yet, so if you catch a baby staring at you, it's because they think you are beautiful. You know whom thinks I'm beautiful? My nephew Thomas.
 
Down the line we then have to RELEARN what our best parts are. Learn what they are by our definition and not anyone else's. I have been trying to learn this for a few years. The journey started with photos taken by Julia Busato. I wanted to love the body I was in, realizing that my body would never be the same was it was in that moment.

 
 
 
Beautiful right? And can you believe that I thought I was fat then? That's kinda screwed up. I wish I was still that size. At the moment I weigh more than I ever have and I'm not proud of it. But I also know how I got there and not all of it was in my control, depression will kill the love you have for your body, it will make you just not care. It will make you turn to comfort food in excess. It will make you eat to fill holes that are not satisfied by food but you need an instant fix and one cookie turns to 6 and you still feel empty.

Now that I am feeling better and being treated I can take action. I'm seeing a dietician in two weeks and I can't wait. And it's not about weight loss. It's about loving this body that GOD has given me right now. When you love your body, you want to take care of it, put good things in it, move it about to keep your heart healthy. That means drinking half my body weight in oz, taking the stairs at work, at least 150mins of exercise a week, wearing clothes that bring me joy and not just cause they fit, enjoying chips on Friday nights ONLY, lots of fruits and vegetables and allowing myself a cookie or two once in a while without feeling guilty and only eating if I'm hungry. And I bet the weight follows.

In the mean time I have to define the beautiful parts of my body for myself. No one has to tell me I have pretty eyes or sexy legs or a f***ing fantastic rack, I just knowed.

Joy is....

It's been awhile since my depression confession. I'm not sure what has kept me from writing but I think it has to do with the fact that despite the hopeful tone of my last post, life has been hard. These last months have been filled with lots of hard work and lots of change. There has been lots of dark moments entwined with joyful ones. In fact I had one of those today. You see, I've felt so good lately and it really surprised me that I started to cry after getting a call about a play I had auditioned for and did not get. It didn't take me long to realize it wasn't about the play at all but about a lie I have been telling myself since the very first time I was picked last for a team (and every time after) that I am unchooseable. I mean that is the pattern in my life, last picked for teams, not picked for plays, not picked for friendships, and certainly NEVER picked when it comes to men. There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy, season 2, I think, when Meredith and Derrick are stuck in an elevator (it's about halfway thru the season after Addison arrives and Derrick has to pick) and Meredith pleads with him and tells him to pick her. It's a powerful scene and I have often felt like she did. Clearly this is a lie and something I'll be talking about in counselling this week. ;)

That's not what I came to write. I came to write that despite of that, despite bad days or moments, during recovery there can still be lots of JOY and this summer was filled with it. I wrote this list to remind myself of all I do have, because I do have a lot. I want to share that list with you, to give you hope today if you need it.


JOY is a baby shower for an old friend.

JOY is feeling safe and secure in the house where that shower was held.

JOY is kisses from Thomas. He really does give good ones, all over your face.

JOY is singing my heart out at our end of the year choir show, alone and killing it.

JOY is drinks and food afterwards.

JOY is a brand new nephew named Lochlan.

JOY is watching my sister grow as a mom.

JOY is hearing her tell you, that Loch is lucky you are his aunt.

JOY is a really good book club book.

JOY is only really books you want to.

JOY is cuddles with Lochlan.

JOY is picking out a birthday gift for Thomas.

JOY is listening to Hanson.

JOY is thrift shopping for vintage items.

JOY is a very old quilt.

JOY is yoga.

JOY is spending a whole Sat shopping downtown.

JOY is a pool party at the home of a co-worker.

JOY is serving table 1, at the soup kitchen.

JOY is joining H at the piano.

JOY is my bible study family.

JOY is singing with a grand piano.

JOY is exploring antique stores.

JOY is flee markets.

JOY is a shadow named Lexi.

JOY is playing paper dolls.

JOY is conversations with my brother.

JOY is campfires.

JOY is feeling peaceful.

JOY is jumping waves.

JOY is Lexi giggles.

JOY is watching the sunset with my Dad.

JOY is a Backstreet Boy, living room solo dance party.

JOY is garlic spread.

JOY is a needle and thread.

JOY is planning a baby shower.

JOY is a harvest table found by a co-worker.

JOY is 10 dollar chairs to go with.

JOY is exploring the area where I live.

JOY is vintage jewellery.

JOY is a house, full of  sisters and cousins.

JOY is making Grandma a perfect ice cream sundae.

JOY is two little girls playing dolls in my spare room.

JOY is a sleepover with Lexi.

JOY is choosing NOT to go in the haunted house.

JOY is a working sewing machine.

JOY is textiles.

JOY is making pillows out of vintage hankies.

JOY is a really ugly yellow chair.

JOY is spending an afternoon on the farm house porch.

JOY is Zumba.

JOY is a sacred place to write, with like minded souls.

JOY is discovering Nate and Beth.

JOY is really cold swims in Georgian Bay.

JOY is having the best sleep ever.

JOY is lovingly prepared food, enjoyed together.

JOY is home.

JOY is top down days.

JOY is ice cream sundae dishes.

JOY is being certain that I will be okay.

JOY is farmers market flowers.

JOY is drive-in movies.

JOY is finding a second or is it third, church community.

JOY is younger cousins.

JOY is vintage suitcases.

JOY is being certain that true love is meant for me.

JOY is yummy ice cream with a friend and a walk on the beach.

JOY is having Thomas climb into your lap to finish his bottle and Lexi cuddle in.

JOY is homemade strawberry, chocolate, and salted caramel sauce.

JOY is spending the afternoon at the beach with your best friend.

JOY is the candy store.

JOY is pretty dainty rings.

JOY is new (to me) clothes.

JOY is hugs from co-workers.

JOY is gazing at the stars when arriving home really late from work.

JOY is every child I care for in the hospital.

JOY is learning form those children.

JOY is paying someone else to cut the grass.

JOY is cornflowers.

JOY is sunsets seen from Recovery room.

JOY is feeling hopeful.

JOY is healing.   

2014 reflection - a confession

Happy New Year everyone! Now is the time to reflect on the past year.

 

I hesitated  to write this post b/c isn't all babies and adventures - although there is some of that but it is also about my struggle this year. A struggle that I carried with me all year - and maybe before that. A struggle that I didn't have a name for, until two weeks ago when my DR told me I scaled mild to moderate on the depression scale. I also don't want to make this post a pity party, because it is not. You might think WTF, she has a blessed life and I'll admit that I do. It's not about that, it's about a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can not fix on my own. If two of my lovelies Anne Theriault and Melody Ross have taught me anything this year, it is sharing our stories are important. Someone out there might need to read this, so this post is for them.

 

The year started with a kick in the pants from a friend whom told me I wasn't putting myself 'out there' enough when it came to dating. Man, I was mad at him but he was right. So I did what he suggested and the result found me with a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself falling in love with some day. And while he could see himself maybe falling for me someday, he just wasn't ready and we decided that we'd just be friends for now. I'll admit, I was sorely disappointed. And I discovered, I was still carrying around some pain left over from some long past relationships and I had the opportunity to work thru that at the time.

 

This is when I first noticed something wasn't quite okay. You see I didn't realize how much stress I had, until it was gone and then came back. The guy I had been spending time with made me feel at peace and content and worry free and we had fun together. He was a great hugger, which is a huge stress reliever for me apparently. Even though I didn't share all my stress with him, I felt like I could. I felt the burden of the world lift because I could share it with him if I wanted. I felt safe. So the stress went away. And when he went away, it came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was on high alert all the time, at work, at home, everywhere. I didn't feel relaxed ever, and I never felt peaceful.

 

Over the last couple years I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself feel okay, so I worked my way thru The Walk by Brave Girls. My take away from that is; we are all BELOVED and each day I should go out in the world and act as if I'm beloved and treat everyone as if they are beloved too. In doing this, I think, I hope, I have become more gentle with other people - I'll be the first to admit I can be judgy sometimes. It has certainly helped with my interactions with my patients, for which I am grateful. However, that gentleness didn't quite transfer over to myself.

What I bring to the circle

I also participated in #100happydays. Which I'm sure kept me from falling into a black hole. I wrote about it here.

Getting ready for a music video shoot.

Nick Carter....my boy and his guitar.

 

During that time, I went on an amazing adventure to New Orleans. It is a place I have wanted to visit for a long time. I felt good there...I'm pretty sure I was a Southern Belle in another life time. I loved learning the history; creoles, slavery, the civil war, jazz, pirates, voodoo, witch craft and vampires. It was like being in France/Spain but I didn't have to leave the continent.  Occasionally, I wished for a particular male companion but I actually enjoy travelling by myself. My schedule, my agenda. I got to see nearly everything I wanted and more and have made a list of places I want to visit next time. On the way there I stopped in at The Museum of African American History and learned that we are all descended from a single female in ancient Africa; mitochondrial DNA proves it. Making us more the same than we think. I stopped in Nashville and stood on the Opry stage, there are no words for this. I toured the grounds of two very beautiful plantation homes, Laura and Oak Alley. Both very different in appearance and how they treated their slaves. It was a good trip and I felt good when I came home.

Me in New Orleans

Laura

Oak Alley

I finished up my fourth palliative care course and only had one and my placement to go but decided to take the summer off. I had plans, lots of them.

 

Then something bad happened at work. A patient I was looking after, got really sick and there was nothing I nor the DR could do about it and she died. I think this is when hole started to open up. I believe this b/c the same week, my sister had friends visiting from overseas - girls I had met before and absolutely adore and had been excited to see - and all of a sudden, I didn't care if Katie included me in their activities or not. That's kind of messed up, particularly since I love those girls so much.

 

Katie, Charlee, Lily and Lucy at Sauble Beach.

 

 My nephew Thomas was born and it felt anticlimactic. He was born the same day that bad thing happened at work and for awhile they were linked in my mind. I should add here, now I think he is the bees knees and I think he thinks that about me too.

Thomas

I developed a stomach ulcer that would not go away. My migraines became worse, when normally they are better in the summer. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over and I had a fun summer, one of my oldest friends got married and I did lots of fun stuff. I rode a horse for the first time, my Nana turned 80, my Grandma turned 90, there was a family reunion on my Dad's side and I got to become good friends with my cousins James and Alex.

 

The beginning of fall saw me in Montreal for CNTC Arbonne, with a few members of our team. I explored and listened and showed up. I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. I came home inspired, knowing I wasn't quite ready for it all yet but with plans to get me ready. That inspiration didn't last very long. I felt unhappy, I told my Mom I was unhappy. She told me I was okay, that I was doing okay.

 

Best view in Montreal

 

I felt disconnected from everything. Except for one thing; that guy and I were still hanging out a bit and I felt like he tethered me to the earth. Which I realize now is completely unfair. We started to hang out more and I hoped it was going to go somewhere but if I'm honest I knew it might not and when I came home from my amazing trip to North Carolina (you can read about that here) he told me he didn't want to date me anymore.

 

Nags Head Beach

 

 

Big black ugly hole. I admit, I can be melodramatic sometimes (you might want to stay away from me if I have to work nights), I tend to worry but I am usually able to pull myself out of it. I know how to deal with my stress, what I need to do to alleviate it but none of those things were working. Work was stressful, so I applied and got a new job -which I'll have had for 3 months by the time I start it. I was angry. I had worked so hard to find out who I was and it didn't appear to make a difference. I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do -like work or laundry. I didn't want to do anything I loved to do - like yoga or choir or scrapbooking; it's taken me way longer to finish my New Orleans scrapbook than it should have and the only reason I went to choir was b/c Tara picked "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. Which I sang for this lyric "And I am done with this graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. "  This was how I felt...told you I could be melodramatic. I literally had to drag myself to do stuff. And I think I ate my feelings too.  I hated the palliative  care course I was taking and I hated the instructor. But my Mom kept telling me, "at least you are getting out of bed, at least you are still doing stuff. You are coping." But I didn't feel like I was. True, it could have been worse, I could have been staying in bed all day - I know someone whom that is a reality for - but forcing yourself to do things you love? That isn't a life either.

 

So I kept my unhappiness to myself. Who would care anyway? What was the point anyway? I began to scare myself a little.

 

Then one morning, I went into work and one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. She had noticed that I hadn't greeted her the way I normally do. And I told her I was stressed all the time. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. And I started to cry. The other nurses at the nurses station all hugged be and told me they loved me. My co-worker said; "You need to see your DR." Finally, someone noticed what I had noticed. I wondered if I might be depressed but then reminded myself that I had just broken up with someone I really liked and maybe I was just feeling bad about that (disclaimer - the break up did NOT cause my depression). But if I was really honest, it had been going on long before that. Finally, someone validated what I had been thinking myself. I made an appointment that day - though it was 3 weeks before I could get in and I called EAP for some counselling.

 

While I waited Hannah Marcotti offered a course on sexy selfies, so I did that and found women whom had the same struggles as me.

 

I invited my niece Lexi for a sleep over and crafted with her all weekend.

 

Lexi playing with my vision board words.

 

 

The counselling sessions have helped me identify some of my self destructive behaviour - like isolation and under sharing.  Something I hope to work on this year. My best friend cried the other day when I told her b/c she wished she had known, so she could have been there for me.

 

It has only been two weeks since I saw my DR but already I feel better. I might have had no control over this happening to me but I can take responsibility for how I handle it now. I can't do it alone and that is okay.

 

I spent the last day of the old year with family, most importantly Lexi and Thomas.

 

Thomas and I at Pizza Hut.

Pure delight, Miss Lexi on New Years Eve.

 

 

I write this b/c it is important to know that depression can happen to anyone, even someone with a pretty blessed life - like me, like a few other people I know. It can also take many forms, from mild to severe. If not looked after mild can go right to severe in an instant. It is okay to ask for help, it does not mean you are broken. For some reason depression has a bad rap but it shouldn't. Does it make you think Robin Williams was any less brilliant or less worthy of a good life? It actually makes me love him more. If you think you aren't okay, you probably aren't. Please reach out, please ask for help.

 

My word for last year was trust. I have learned to trust my journey, this is only a small part of it. This year my word is hope. They say "it's always darkest before the dawn" so I am hopeful for a better year.

 

I hope you learned a lot last year and it wasn't too painful. If it was, here's to a better year for you too!

You are beloved.

 

 

2013 a year in review.

I remember how hopeful I felt at the beginning of last year. I was going to spend the year counting my blessings, my word for the year was going to be SPARKLE. I really felt like this was it, I was finally the girl GOD intended me to be and since I was that girl now then that guaranteed me my most wished for wish, the beginnings of a family of my own. But GOD had other plans for me this year, some of those plans, I have no idea what he was thinking, but some of those plans were truly amazing.

I did spend the first part of the year counting my blessings; my siblings, my parents, my Nana, my Grandma, my cousins, my friends, music, books, the Backstreet Boys, hot chocolate,first kisses in the snow. I decided to take some palliative care/oncology courses ( I completed 3). Brave Girls offered an art class online, so I participated in that. My niece learned how to say my name. My book club had some great discussions. I was dating!

Then I started to fall for a guy whom never intended to fall for me. Actually that's not really a fair statement, the truth is we weren't on the same page. He wanted something that I wasn't prepared to give and I wanted something that he was not even close to being ready to give to ANYONE. He saw that a little sooner than me, which meant that I got rejected and felt defeated. Soon things that I was capable of doing, like cutting the grass, living alone, cooking for one, felt like big huge deals. Was there something wrong with me?? I asked myself and my mom, on more than one occasion. To say that this coloured huge chunks of my year, would be an understatement. It would mean that I would have to go to my brother's wedding alone and that made me really sad. It would mean no slow dancing at that wedding either. It would mean no one to travel with. It would mean that no one would see me for who I REALLY was. It hurt a lot and it still stings just a bit, if I think about it for too long. This is the part of GODS plan that I can't see why it even happen yet. Someday soon I hope I will.

But I did what a Brave Girl does and I did it anyway. I worked on my art, I worked on my courses, I went to bridal showers, I planned trips, I cooked meals, went to yoga, cut the grass, went to work, got out of bed, smiled, shopped, crafted, sang, went to church and hugged even though my heart wasn't always in it. My new word became FORTATUDE.

I did have to go to my brother Dan's wedding alone but I got to walk down the aisle with my fave person, my niece Lexi, because she didn't want to walk with anyone else. I got to slow dance with my brother Tim and Lexi to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler."

I got to spend the summer with my brother Tim b/c he came home from school to work at the marina even though that wasn't in his plan but I'm so happy he did.

I participated in GISHWHES with an old friend. Toast for underwear, is very uncomfortable, in case you wanted to know. :)

I went on an amazing solo trip to my happy place, Manitoulin Island. I was so at peace there. I learned First Nations crafts, made bannock, spent a lovely evening talking with a woman who feeds herself and her partner all year from her garden, stayed at Meldrum Bay Inn (a place I have wanted to stay in since I was a little girl), swam, read, explored every Island Museum and talk to lots and lots of people. It is not something I will soon forget.

I made a new friend and we stayed friends even after I puked all over her car on our first short road trip.

I joined a new choir in town and sang my heart out!

I am learning self care and have discovered podcasts.

I travelled 3536km to Idaho for Brave Girls camp, all by myself. I saw snow in Wyoming, a huge Lincoln head, visited a Holocaust Museum, stopped in to see some Mormons, learned a lot about how the west was settled, visited the largest truck stop in the world, spent a morning in small town USA, went to an aviation museum and so much more. And when I arrived in Boise my Brave Girl sisters were waiting for me. And they SAW me for who I really am. I was so loved on and continue to get loved on my them. The BGC staff and the women that I feel so blessed to have met, have changed my life. I miss them everyday. It was okay that I cried. They loved that I was the first to meals just because I was happy not to have had to cook it myself.  They loved my rendition of "If I had a million dollars." They hugged me. They cried with me, as I cried with them. I was meant to be there, even if I had to make that journey alone. And I can't wait to go back!!

I went to hear my fave author Ted Dekker speak and then I talked to him! I flirted a little with the band who opened for him.

I started my Arbonne business. I get to work with my cousin's wife. We get to do facials for people and talk about a fantastic product. For me it's not about the money at all but for the new friendships I have made. I always thought I didn't make friends easily but that's not true at all. I can't wait to meet all the people that Arbonne will put in my path. We are going to have so much fun!!

This year my word is TRUST. Trust that I'll be okay. Trust myself. Trust that GOD has a wonderfully fantastic plan for me. Trust that guys wont always break my heart, b/c one day one wont. Trust that he will show up when the time is right. Trust that someday I will have a family of my own. Trust that whatever I want to do, I can. Trust.

Happy New Year!!

A recurring dream.

          I have this recurring dream. In it, I'm standing on a covered porch. It is summer and it's rain - hard. The rain is accompanied by thunder and lightening. So much lightening that it lights up the whole sky. With me, is a little girl with strawberry blonde curls. She looks at me with her big blue eyes - the same eyes my sister Patti had as a little girl, the same eyes my niece Lexi has now. Her eyelashes so long other women will envy them someday. Freckles dot her nose. She smiles at me. She is 3 years old and she is mine.

            The screen door behind us creaks open.

            "What are you crazy girls doing?" a male voice asks. Without turning, I know that he is handsome.

            The little girl giggles, her damp curls bounce.

            "We are watching lightening Daddy. Me and Momma love thunderstorms."

            "Come inside you goofs," He laughs, a laugh so deep that if I laid my head on his chest I would feel it resonate there. "I'll make hot chocolate."

            We turn to him and he lifts the little girl into his arms, much to her delight. She is as smitten with this man as I am. I can't see his face except for the outline of a wickedly sexy grin. Even after years, this man still makes me melt. This is my family, this is my home. Just as he leans to kiss me, I wake up.

            I hope this is a vision of the future and not just my mind playing a cruel trick on me. Of all the prayers I have prayed, this is my most solemn. More than anything in the world, this is what I want. It is buried so deep in my heart, I can't imagine it not coming true. Right now all I can do it wait, turn it over to God and when the time is right, it will happen. I believe this with all my heart. I don't really have any other choice.

Friday's Letter - What I'm thinking about this week.

http://www.thesweetseasonblog.com/

 

 

Playing along with Ashley this week, here's what's been on my mine for the last couple weeks.

 

 

Dear GH: I hated the Franco story the first time and the second time, now you want to bring it back with a new face?? You couldn't have found a better use for Roger Howarth??

 

Dear hair: Have a told you how awesome you are lately?? You are so beautiful and usually do want I want. I'm so lucky.

 

Dear knot in the middle of my back near my shoulder blade: You have been camped out there for FIVE weeks, get lost. I'm sorry I can't help you out but I can't reach, you are going to have to move on, on your own.

 

Dear Bridesmaid dress: I'll be honest, I wasn't 100% sure about you when we picked you out but the other girls thought it was a good pick. Now that I have you in the right colour and the right size, I love you. I am going to look like a goddess!

 

Dear Night Shifts: I've got three of you this weekend....please be kind.

 

Dear green kitchen: Wow are you ever green but once the tile is up you are going to look amazing!

 

Dear blue grey living room: I am so in love with you right now, you look like a completely different room! So bright and fresh and just what I needed. I also love my art gallery wall.

 

Dear yoga: You are about the only time I feel graceful, so thanks for that. :)

 

Dear Grace: I haven't played you in awhile and I think it's time we spent some quality time together looking cool, even if we sound terrible. Next week I promise!

 

Dear Dad: You really are the best Dad ever...giving up your weekend to paint and tile for me. Bet you'll be glad when you finally marry me off! HA just joking! kinda

 

Dear Dan: Thanks for playing some MMMBOP at your buck and doe, it might have made my night.

 

Dear Lexi: Spending part of mothers day with my best goddaughter was amazing. I love you soooo sooo very much!

 

Dear One Tree Hill: One word; CHUCK! I've been re-watching your wonderfulness and just have to say that Chuck kills me. He kinda annoyed me the first time around but this time he is positively hilarious. He is the quirky humour that I love so much. What the Chuck? 

 

 

That's what's going on in my life right now. Thanks for stopping by!

32 things

So, today I turn 32. Since I not 100% where I thought I would be when I was 32 (but who really is right?), I have made the commitment to focus on all the good and beautiful blessings in  my life. And all the wonderful and exciting things I have to look forward to. So here is my list of 32 for 32 of hopes and dreams and goals and all the stuff I'm going to enjoy the year I am 32.

1) As soon as the weather is nice a new friend and I are going to go for a drive in my convertible with the top down.

2) My sister Patti and her husband were more than generous to give me a gift certificate to the Brave Girls Shoppe so I am looking forward to picking out my gift...the problem will be picking out just one!

3) Find a pair of cowboy boots I love.

4) A trip to Aberfoyle market, to look for a storage solution for all my craft and art supplies.

5) Be a punk at my brother Dan's Buck and Doe.

6) Two bridal showers for my new sister in law Jessie.

7) A rambunctious bachelorette party for Jessie (provided I can get the weekend off).

8) Horse back riding with the girls from work.

9) 4X8 a study the minister at our church if putting on to ask questions about Christianity. I'm really looking forward to learn more about my own faith.

10) A solo trip to Manitoulin Island.

11) While there stay at The Meldrum Bay Inn a place I have wanted to stay in since my Nana and Poppa first took me to Manitoulin many many years ago.

12) Also stay at my first hostel, Auberge Inn.

13) Take some tours and do some activities with Great Spirit Circle Trail.

14) Farquhar's ice cream.

15) Cry at my brothers wedding.

16) Dance with my siblings and cousins at my brother's wedding.

17) Have Lexi over for a sleepover.

18) Spend some time getting to know some one new.

19) Supernatural with Timbo!

20) Learn Brian Littrell's Wish on guitar in time for Easter next year.

21) Create beautiful things

22) Scrap my heart out.

23) Brave Girls Camp!!!!!

24) Drive to and from Idaho solo.

25) Continue my palliative care studies.

26) Cook a turkey or a roast.

27) Beach road trips.

28) Take an art class.

29) A tea party with my Aunt Kate and my Nana to sort and date all my Nana's old photos.

30) Learn

31) Laugh, sing, dance, giggle, cry, kiss, hug, smile, create ...Be Brave!

32) Sparkle and shine, like the girl GOD intended me to be.

I am so excited to see what this year has in store for me...I think it is going to be amazing!!

Friday's Letters

Dear Winter: Okay, I know we have a love hate relationship but I would much rather have cold weather and snow than this damp gross kinda warm stuff we have been having. Decide to be Winter and be it.

Dear Rain: Any other time of the year I love you, oh how much I love you, but it's time to let your brother snow shine....please let him.

Dear outdoor planter: Please stop falling over! You don't fall over when you are full of soil and flowers, what do you have against Christmas lights, pine and birch?

Dear little girl in Lawson's book store: Your delight over the beautiful angels (even though you called them fairies) at the entrance of the store made my day. Thank you.

Dear employees at the Bleeding Carrot: Your conversation about how ugly you were as babies made me smile. :)

Dear Christmas presents I ordered online: Please make it here before Christmas.

Dear Alexis: Sorry you got your expressive face from me. It will mean that everyone will know what you are thinking ALL the time, especially your family. In my defence I got it from my Poppa!

Fridays Letters - Oct 5 2012

http://comeoneileen86.blogspot.com/

Dear Yoga - Thanks for kicking my butt yesterday.. I needed it.  

Dear Glee  - Thanks a lot for making me cry my eyes out last night. I decided to watch you and save Grey's for later because I wasn't in the mood to cry. JERKS!

Dear Lexi  - Dance parties with you are the best..."Call me maybe" will never be the same. :)

Dear Spain  - Katie tells me that your weather is still beautiful.....only 16 days until I get there...please I want to go to the beach!

Dear Facebook  - Since you love changing things up, whether they need them or not, please add a spell check function next time. I'm a really poor speller and I'm too lazy to check my dictionary.

Friday Letters

 

Dear Guitar : You are sooooo pretty and sound sooo wonderful. I can't wait to learn how to play you. I feel like you were made for me.

Dear Lexi : I got your Christmas present when I was in the States shopping last weekend and I can't wait to give it to you. You are going to love it!

Dear Heartland: I'm really sad about the the yuckyness between Ty and Amy right now. I'm sure you know what you are doing but I don't like it. I hope the pay off is worth it. P.S. When's the soundtrack being recorded, I'm seroiusly loving the Canadian music. :)

Dear John Ingle: You have been a staple in my daytime TV life since I was a teenager....You will be missed, Grandfather.

Dear GH: Thank you for Todd Manning, he has the best lines on daytime TV, even if he is kinda a bad guy.

Dear grass: I'm going to cut you this afternoon...I hope this is the last time this year.

Dear creativity: UMMMM where are you???? I have a stack of Patti and Ryan wedding photos to scrap and I got nothing.

Dear new boots: Where have you been all my life?

Dear skinny jeans: I promise to give you an honest try...I'm not really sure you are for me but I'll give it a shot.

Dear fall TV: It's like Christmas in the fall...so excited...Yes, I watch too much TV.

Dear Susan Cain: I'm reading your book "Quiet" for book club. Thank you, thank you for seeing the value of being an introvert. :)

Dear Canadian Passport border guy: You seriously almost made me cry when you handed us our passports and said Welcome home.

Dancing barefoot

Here is the story of my sister Patti's wedding to Ryan about four weeks ago and why I walked down the aisle in my bare feet. About 12 years ago my cousin Melissa was planning her wedding. Just prior to her engagement, her sister Cara's boyfriend, Von ( now her husband) had been thinking about asking Cara to marry him but had put if off when Kyle asked Melissa. My Grandma said that was a good thing since if Cara got married first, Melissa being the elder would have to dance bare foot at Cara's wedding or risk never finding a husband. Let's blame Leah and Rachel's father for this. Remember them from the Old Testament? Jacob so loved Rachel but had to marry Leah first because she was older and that was the natural order of things. Apparently in English tradition the unmarried elder sister must serve or dance in her bare feet if she wishes to find a husband, it's actually seen as a punishment to the elder sister, you can read more about it HERE. In French Canada the tradition is for the unmarried oldest sibling to dance in really ugly socks (made for the occasion) at any wedding for a younger sibling and people throw money @ them ( but they don't get to keep the money, the newlyweds get it).
So, it's been a joke that I would have to dance at Patti's wedding barefoot. Since it's not uncommon for women to take their shoes off these days on the dance floor and since the dance floor was cement and felt yucky on my feet, I decided to walk down the ailse in my bare feet. Not so that I would find a husband but because I love my sister and we have been joking about it for so long. In truth Patti, probably was always suppose to get married before me, even being the younger sister she has always been the one to pave the way. She got her ears pierced first, she was the one who asked Mom when we could start wearing bras and to show us how to shave our legs. I have a feeling that I'll be very grateful that she went first when it's my turn.
The wedding was beautiful and I couldn't be happier for both of them...I can now officially call Ryan my brother - even though he has felt like that for years.
Here are some moments which highlighted the weekend for me;
1. The laughter of my family as I arrived @ the end of the aisle in my bare feet.

I think my cousin Bret took this.

2. As I watched my sister walk down the aisle with our parents, the tears started to come and pretty much didn't stop, big fat juicy ones.

I think our friend Andy got this one.

3. I had the pleasure of doing a reading @ the wedding. Apparently some of my family members where not sure I would get through it because I was crying so much but I composed myself and read this beautiful reading.

“Blessing of the Hands"
“These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever. These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other. These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy. These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children. These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one. These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it. And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.”

Everyone said I did an good job, but lets face it, I cried thru the whole thing.

4. My cousin Andy and Uncle Bill piped the happy couple out, after being at the Cambridge games all day - in which they got first place. This photo was taken by Ryan's friend Hannah of Red Umbrella Photography, you can visit her on Facebook HERE.

5. Another shot taken by Hannah, to melt your heart. Patti and Ryan's first dance.

Our niece Alexis wanting to join in.

6. Our cousin Greg, whom we don't get to see that often and who is teaching in Thailand, came with his girlfriend Heather. Patti and I had never meet Heather, so we accosted her in the bathroom. Pretty sure she thought Greg has strange cousins, which he does by the way. And a lot of them, welcome to the family Heather!

7. My sister Katie was the MOH. She is 11 years younger than me. Sometimes I forget she is a person and not a baby. Her speech was one of the best...I forget that she can be so funny.

I'm not sure where this photo came from, I think from Ashley and Ainsley's mom April.

8.My cousin Andy also played the pipes at the open jam session, it was so fun to watch Patti and Ryan dancing with the little kids.

9.Two words - Watches Reunion. When Patti and Danny and I were young we had a band called The Watches with our next door neighbour Alie. We reenacted a photo shoot from 1993. Alie is a graphic designer and you can find her HERE.



The original



 

Dan, Patti, Me and Alie.

10. The next day I got to share a juice box with this little cutie.

My niece Alexis

Okay, wow this post has just gotten way longer than I thought it would, so while there are many many more awesome moments, I'll think I'll leave it there. I will say this, Patti and Ryan's friends love to hug, it was like being in highschool again when you hugged everyone you liked every time you saw them or said goodbye. A great way to spend a weekend.  Oh and the cookie table, loved the cookie table!
Well hope you are enjoying your weekend!

Scrapbooking your faith - My truths

Courtney over @ Telling Stories and instructor of the Big Picture Class Scrapbooking Your Faith class that I participated in this winter, has decided to add prompts to her blog. This week was all about truths. This is what is true for me right now.

Journaling reads; 1. I am a sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and aunt. 2. I am a Godmother to my beautiful niece Alexis and I take it very seriously. 3. I am still called to be a nurse, just maybe not in surgery anymore. 4. I am different from most people and that's okay because I am living my true life. 5. Many people love me and no one can take that away. 6. GOD has a plan for me.

This LO actually fits well with all the Brave Girls work I have been doing. Funny how things work out, huh?

Ciao!

Life Verse

Hello all,
   Today I wanted to share with you a LO I've been working on. It's for a class with Big Picture Classes, Scrapbooking your Faith, taught by the awesome Courtney Walsh. A few years ago I found her book Scrapbooking your Faith and loved it. I've pulled it out for inspiration many times since I bought it. By happy accident (actually a blog post by my friends @ Brave Girls Club), I discovered Courtney's blog and then this class. It's come @ a good time as I've just finished up Body Restoration by Brave Girls and it's Lent.
   Anyway, the LO for this week was to scrap your life verse. It could be a bible verse, a quote you love, anything, as long a it speaks to you. This is mine. "Life is not about the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." It's spoken to me ever since Payton said it on One Tree Hill. It reminds me that I need to stop and take in what is around me and allow it to take my breath away. Here's my LO;

Here is a moment that I allowed take my breath away this weekend....My freshly bathed niece, after her 1st birthday party.

Thanks for stopping by!

Reflection on 2011

Happy New Year everyone! Hope everyone had a great night.
Stephanie Howell does a monthly challenge called blog your heart, basically you can blog about anything but it has to be authentic. So, since 2011 was such a mix bag, I thought I'd play along with my 2011 reflection.

1. I got to go to Punta Cana and witness a friend from highschool and a friend from elementary school get married. I also got to meet and spend time with some wonderful people, friends I hope will be in my life for a long time and friends that I got to reconnect with.

2. I became an Aunt for the first time! Alexis was born on March 1st. I also became her Godmother. I'm a little nervous about this as I think it is a huge responsibility and I want to get it right. I will be the one of the primary educators in the Christian faith. I'm not even sure where to start. But I'm really excited to get started!

3.I haven't really been feeling the joy at work this year. I'm a nurse so my job can be a hard one anyway but when you feel like you aren't fitting in that can make it even more difficult. It's hard being different, even if your different is an awesome kind of different.

4. Two of my cousins got married this year. I was so stoked for both of them, especially Andrea b/c it really is about time she had some happiness and sunshine in her life.

5. I got a new brother and sister!!! Okay not really but they feel like family. My Nana had an Irish student staying with her this summer, Ciaran. He fit in with our family very well, to the point that he was calling us his brothers and sisters and we were calling him our brother too. He just fits so well. His sister Aine came to visit at the end of the summer and it was like she belonged to us too. It's weird how that happens and we all wish that Ireland wasn't so very far away.

6. At the beginning of August my step dad Denis had a stroke, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, flew back to France for treatment with my mom and was gone by the first week of Sept.

7. My brother Dan and I flew to France to be with my mom for two weeks. Not the way either of us thought we would get back to Europe but there you have it. I'm really really glad that Dan went with me and I didn't have to go alone. Also, I know we were being looked after b/c it could have been a nightmare trying to get to France on such short notice. Everything went fairly smoothly, except for that time a pigeon pooped on me in Paris and we had to run to catch our train to Nimes.

8. I am so glad that I am not an only child, we five really banned together and I feel so lucky to have them.

9. While all this was going on I discovered Brave Girls Club. Perfect timing! If you haven't checked them out yet....GO. Go right after you finish ready this post. It's really hard to explain the value this group of women has had on me or the value of the classes I have taken. I have learned a lot about myself, about the lies I've been telling myself, about the lies that other people have been telling me, that I love paint and glue and that while Patti is the artist in our family, my work is just as valuable even if just to me. If you are feeling even the little bit lost, please check these ladies out....it will be well worth it. Can't wait for Brave Girls Camp 2013.


I am looking forward to see what 2012 will bring. More creating and more love I hope. Also my sister Patti is getting married...Finally!!! They have already been together for more than a decade. Sorry Patti but I have to dance barefoot @ you wedding so I have to get at least one jab in.
I hope everyone has a blessed year!

Creative Scrappers - 188 - Thank you, and a baby in a box.

Hello all,
I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday. I did!
So, I know I haven't participated in a challenge in a while. To be honest nothing was inspiring me and I wouldn't have been able to share it anyway since all the scrapping I have been doing over the last 6 weeks has been for memory books for my siblings for Christmas. When I saw sketch 188 from Creative Scrappers I knew it would be perfect for the thank you card that arrived for me from my friend April. I also got lots of scrapbooking stuff for Christmas ( lets just say that I wont have to shop for patterned paper for a very long time) and I couldn't wait to break into it. And I really wanted to use my new Crop-A-Dile.
So here is sketch 188:

And here is my take:

I also wanted to share this sweet pic of my niece Alexis.

Baby in a box!

She really liked the box my gift from Dad and Sandra gave me. The best gift I got this Christmas was kisses from Alexis, she was giving them to everyone on Christmas day. Best gift ever!

Sketchy Thursdays 6.23 - You amaze me

Hi everyone!
I finally completed my Punta Cana album this week and have started on some other photos that have been waiting. I used this sketch from Sketchy Thursdays for a couple of photos of my brother Dan and his daughter Alexis.

It's called "You amaze me." Dan is my younger brother and it's kinda strange that he's a Dad. And he's a great one already. He wants to be involved. I can't even explain how proud I am of him. Lexi is so lucky that Dan is her Dad. I love these photos of them together. Our friend Becca shot these when Lexi was only a few weeks old. Visit her blog if you get the chance.   I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far.                           

Pencil Lines. 239. Alexis Victoria

Hi everyone. I hope everyone is enjoying their May 2-4 long weekend. The unofficial kick off to summer. The weather has certainly been great! Yesterday my cousin Roo got married. It was so fun to have all the cousins together. One of the best moments was when a bunch of us danced to "Don't stop believin'". Uncle Mat got some good pictures and I can't wait to see them. Anyway welcome Laura to our family, it might be a bit crazy but it is full of love and we will always have your back!

Anyway back to the reason for this post. Today http://www.pencillines.com/ posted this sketch

It was perfect for a LO about my new niece. I loved the LO so much, I framed it and hung it on my wall.

This photo was from her newborn photo shoot. The photo was taken by our friend Becky, Heritage Photography she specializes in natural light photography. Her photos are beautiful.
Well, that's all for now. I think I might read for awhile.

A baby shower gift

A few weeks ago I held a baby shower for my new niece Lexi. It was a hit. My Nana told me a couple times how lovely it was and she is the queen of party planning and execution. Anyway I made a scrapbook of the shower for the gift. I finished it this week. Here are some pictures of the finished project.

I picked this album up @ a local factory outlet. They have everything! I was also able to get all my prizes there too.

I wrote a little note on the inside of the shower invite for Alexis...telling her how much she is loved.

One of the games we played was "Don't say Baby" and if you did and someone caught you then they got your cloths pin. I wrote Alexis' name on each one.

Every shower should have food. I thought a really long time about the menu. It paid off b/c everyone enjoyed it.

Of course we had punch. I asked Nana if she would lend me her punch bowl ( which was her mom's) and she gave it to me. She figures I'll use it more than her now. She also gave me a bunch of pretty tea cups for our tea party.

I included all the cards that came with the gifts. On the inside I wrote what each person had bought.

The guest of honour! Lexi's shirt says "I love my Auntie" (left). At six weeks she was able to hold her head up to sit in her BUMBO chair (right). 

I love this little girl so much. Anyway I hope everyone has a great week. I've got a long one, three 12 hour nights starting Tuesday. YAY! So I'm just relaxing @ home today...after I vote of course.