2015 - I live

My New Year post last year confessed that I had depression. This year I confess that I still have depression. I had been hopeful that by this time this year I wouldn't but I do. And I expect to still have depression this time next year. Fortunately, I can say I no longer suffer from depression but I still live with it, every single day. And I have not done it alone, not by any means. I've also had do a lot of stuff to keep the darkness at bay. I'm going to share some of the things I have done this year, in the hopes to give someone else hope. Hope that it is possible to live with depression and have a full life.

 

 

I've checked in with my DR often. She is keeping a close eye on me as we adjust medications and just to generally see how I am doing. This has been an important piece in my care.

 

I have talked with various counsellors, both on the phone and in person. It's nice to be validated.

 

At the beginning of the year I started a new job. This has made a huge difference. I actually want to go to work now. Some days when snuggling with crying children I can't believe this is actually my job, that I actually get paid to do it. No more night shifts have helped a lot and not as many 12 hour shifts have helped me feel like I have a life. I may have to be there a little more often, but I'm a lot more productive on my days off because I don't feel like a zombie (and ya'll know how much I hate zombies) all the time. This job came with perfect timing.

 

I went to Brave Girls Camp in March. We laughed and laughed. We sang. Nancy cooked amazing food for us. We created. I didn't even freak out when my luggage was lost on both the way there and the way home. Two days on the way home spent with two other Brave sisters was just what I needed.

 

I went to Sister Camp in Arkansas in April. Run by a fellow Brave Girl (D'Wana), it was crucial in my self care. Art, lecture and nature. Lots of together time and lots of alone time if you wanted. Tons of yummy food. And Noah Luke. Noah Luke is D'Wana's little boy. We had an instant connection. He touched my face and told me he had missed me (even though we had just meet). He picked flowers for me. I was fully present with him. Children have a way of doing that to me.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I chose to be present with my niece and nephews. Spending a day at Storybook park with my Lexi turned into "The best day ever" (her words) and a really fun day for me too. Lexi is really curious and asks tons of questions, she has taught me to explain my health teaching to my patients more simply and to compare it to something they already know if I can.  Snuggling a sleeping Thomas is extremely relaxing. When Lochlan studies my face, I study his too. Lochlan instinctively knows that I am someone he can count on. He probably sees me better than anyone else and he is only 6 months old. 

 

I took the year off from dating. Seriously, I didn't have a single date and I'm completely okay with that. I really had to spend this year focusing on me and not putting all my hopes and dreams and desires and happiness in one basket..err boy. That said. I'm really excited to get back at it this year. So if you know anyone??

 

I served meals at our local soup kitchen. Helping others has helped me too.

 

Brave Girl University. Wow, that's all I can say. So may courses by so many beautiful souls. All of which have aided my self care.

 

I entered the 21st century and finally bought a cell phone and a smart phone at that. My cell phone has made me more connected with my siblings. Patti sends me photos of Loch often and if I'm feeling down I can just send a text to Katie telling her I love her and she always sends me one back. It has helped me feel less isolated from them. And it's the best way to get in contact with Dan and Tim.

 

Purging things out of my house has also made a difference. I love to keep everything but this year I started to look at the items in my home and in my closest and asked myself if they are useful or bring me joy. I've been carrying around lots of stuff that I have no use for anymore. It is perfectly okay to let go of things that no longer serve you, even if they use to mean a lot to you once. There are a few things I know I need to let go (like the CD player I practically wore out as a teenager or the giant bear I won at Canada's Wonderland when I was 8) that I'm not really ready to let go of yet. Part of my self care is recognizing that and being gentle with myself and knowing that when the time is right I will be able to let them go.

 

Letting go of things have also allowed me to curate my home. It meant going to second hand shops, flee markets and antique stores and picking items with purpose and joy. I'm getting to the point where everything in my house is here because I want it to be and not because I needed an item and someone gave it to me. I feel like I have created a home and I'm really proud of how it is coming together.

 

I spent a weekend in two small cottages only 20mis away from home writing my book, fleshing out Beth and Nate and Jake. Sharing my work with other writers. I need to write, even if no one ever sees it.

 

I went to an art dance retreat with a co-worker and I took back my dance. Dancing had never been the same after breaking up with my first boyfriend in my early 20s (we went dancing together often) and during this retreat, I just let go and dance felt authentic again. That has lead to Zumba class, Nia class and Backstreet Boy dance parties in my living room.

 

I am taking back my body. Depression has messed with it a little. I am seeing a dietician to help me put good things in my body. I am exercising more consistently. I am drinking lots of water. I have more energy and am not as tired anymore.

 

I stopped reading books I didn't want to read. That has meant I don't finish every book I pick up anymore. It has meant putting some books immediately in the give away pile after I've finished them.

 

I paid someone to cut the grass a couple times. I will be paying all summer this year. My grass is a constant stress for me - it just wont stop growing! No stress if I don't have to cut it.

 

I created a Saturday morning ritual. Yoga class, Farmers Market, Chai Tea latte and a wander downtown. It's a nice way to start the weekend.

 

I focused on my faith. I became part of a bible study of women whom I am so blessed to know. I pray every night. First thanking GOD for the day, asking for support for someone else and always ending asking GOD to prepare me for HIS plan. I'm starting to recognize when the enemy is speaking to me and I tell him to get lost.

 

 

It has been a full year, I've done a lot of work. I'm really excited to see what all that work will bring me for this year. I hope it will help me stop wasting time on Facebook, strengthen my boundaries, find the perfect art supply storage solution and plan more trips.

 

Welcome 2016, it's nice to meet you!

Joy is....

It's been awhile since my depression confession. I'm not sure what has kept me from writing but I think it has to do with the fact that despite the hopeful tone of my last post, life has been hard. These last months have been filled with lots of hard work and lots of change. There has been lots of dark moments entwined with joyful ones. In fact I had one of those today. You see, I've felt so good lately and it really surprised me that I started to cry after getting a call about a play I had auditioned for and did not get. It didn't take me long to realize it wasn't about the play at all but about a lie I have been telling myself since the very first time I was picked last for a team (and every time after) that I am unchooseable. I mean that is the pattern in my life, last picked for teams, not picked for plays, not picked for friendships, and certainly NEVER picked when it comes to men. There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy, season 2, I think, when Meredith and Derrick are stuck in an elevator (it's about halfway thru the season after Addison arrives and Derrick has to pick) and Meredith pleads with him and tells him to pick her. It's a powerful scene and I have often felt like she did. Clearly this is a lie and something I'll be talking about in counselling this week. ;)

That's not what I came to write. I came to write that despite of that, despite bad days or moments, during recovery there can still be lots of JOY and this summer was filled with it. I wrote this list to remind myself of all I do have, because I do have a lot. I want to share that list with you, to give you hope today if you need it.


JOY is a baby shower for an old friend.

JOY is feeling safe and secure in the house where that shower was held.

JOY is kisses from Thomas. He really does give good ones, all over your face.

JOY is singing my heart out at our end of the year choir show, alone and killing it.

JOY is drinks and food afterwards.

JOY is a brand new nephew named Lochlan.

JOY is watching my sister grow as a mom.

JOY is hearing her tell you, that Loch is lucky you are his aunt.

JOY is a really good book club book.

JOY is only really books you want to.

JOY is cuddles with Lochlan.

JOY is picking out a birthday gift for Thomas.

JOY is listening to Hanson.

JOY is thrift shopping for vintage items.

JOY is a very old quilt.

JOY is yoga.

JOY is spending a whole Sat shopping downtown.

JOY is a pool party at the home of a co-worker.

JOY is serving table 1, at the soup kitchen.

JOY is joining H at the piano.

JOY is my bible study family.

JOY is singing with a grand piano.

JOY is exploring antique stores.

JOY is flee markets.

JOY is a shadow named Lexi.

JOY is playing paper dolls.

JOY is conversations with my brother.

JOY is campfires.

JOY is feeling peaceful.

JOY is jumping waves.

JOY is Lexi giggles.

JOY is watching the sunset with my Dad.

JOY is a Backstreet Boy, living room solo dance party.

JOY is garlic spread.

JOY is a needle and thread.

JOY is planning a baby shower.

JOY is a harvest table found by a co-worker.

JOY is 10 dollar chairs to go with.

JOY is exploring the area where I live.

JOY is vintage jewellery.

JOY is a house, full of  sisters and cousins.

JOY is making Grandma a perfect ice cream sundae.

JOY is two little girls playing dolls in my spare room.

JOY is a sleepover with Lexi.

JOY is choosing NOT to go in the haunted house.

JOY is a working sewing machine.

JOY is textiles.

JOY is making pillows out of vintage hankies.

JOY is a really ugly yellow chair.

JOY is spending an afternoon on the farm house porch.

JOY is Zumba.

JOY is a sacred place to write, with like minded souls.

JOY is discovering Nate and Beth.

JOY is really cold swims in Georgian Bay.

JOY is having the best sleep ever.

JOY is lovingly prepared food, enjoyed together.

JOY is home.

JOY is top down days.

JOY is ice cream sundae dishes.

JOY is being certain that I will be okay.

JOY is farmers market flowers.

JOY is drive-in movies.

JOY is finding a second or is it third, church community.

JOY is younger cousins.

JOY is vintage suitcases.

JOY is being certain that true love is meant for me.

JOY is yummy ice cream with a friend and a walk on the beach.

JOY is having Thomas climb into your lap to finish his bottle and Lexi cuddle in.

JOY is homemade strawberry, chocolate, and salted caramel sauce.

JOY is spending the afternoon at the beach with your best friend.

JOY is the candy store.

JOY is pretty dainty rings.

JOY is new (to me) clothes.

JOY is hugs from co-workers.

JOY is gazing at the stars when arriving home really late from work.

JOY is every child I care for in the hospital.

JOY is learning form those children.

JOY is paying someone else to cut the grass.

JOY is cornflowers.

JOY is sunsets seen from Recovery room.

JOY is feeling hopeful.

JOY is healing.   

2014 reflection - a confession

Happy New Year everyone! Now is the time to reflect on the past year.

 

I hesitated  to write this post b/c isn't all babies and adventures - although there is some of that but it is also about my struggle this year. A struggle that I carried with me all year - and maybe before that. A struggle that I didn't have a name for, until two weeks ago when my DR told me I scaled mild to moderate on the depression scale. I also don't want to make this post a pity party, because it is not. You might think WTF, she has a blessed life and I'll admit that I do. It's not about that, it's about a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can not fix on my own. If two of my lovelies Anne Theriault and Melody Ross have taught me anything this year, it is sharing our stories are important. Someone out there might need to read this, so this post is for them.

 

The year started with a kick in the pants from a friend whom told me I wasn't putting myself 'out there' enough when it came to dating. Man, I was mad at him but he was right. So I did what he suggested and the result found me with a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself falling in love with some day. And while he could see himself maybe falling for me someday, he just wasn't ready and we decided that we'd just be friends for now. I'll admit, I was sorely disappointed. And I discovered, I was still carrying around some pain left over from some long past relationships and I had the opportunity to work thru that at the time.

 

This is when I first noticed something wasn't quite okay. You see I didn't realize how much stress I had, until it was gone and then came back. The guy I had been spending time with made me feel at peace and content and worry free and we had fun together. He was a great hugger, which is a huge stress reliever for me apparently. Even though I didn't share all my stress with him, I felt like I could. I felt the burden of the world lift because I could share it with him if I wanted. I felt safe. So the stress went away. And when he went away, it came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was on high alert all the time, at work, at home, everywhere. I didn't feel relaxed ever, and I never felt peaceful.

 

Over the last couple years I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself feel okay, so I worked my way thru The Walk by Brave Girls. My take away from that is; we are all BELOVED and each day I should go out in the world and act as if I'm beloved and treat everyone as if they are beloved too. In doing this, I think, I hope, I have become more gentle with other people - I'll be the first to admit I can be judgy sometimes. It has certainly helped with my interactions with my patients, for which I am grateful. However, that gentleness didn't quite transfer over to myself.

What I bring to the circle

I also participated in #100happydays. Which I'm sure kept me from falling into a black hole. I wrote about it here.

Getting ready for a music video shoot.

Nick Carter....my boy and his guitar.

 

During that time, I went on an amazing adventure to New Orleans. It is a place I have wanted to visit for a long time. I felt good there...I'm pretty sure I was a Southern Belle in another life time. I loved learning the history; creoles, slavery, the civil war, jazz, pirates, voodoo, witch craft and vampires. It was like being in France/Spain but I didn't have to leave the continent.  Occasionally, I wished for a particular male companion but I actually enjoy travelling by myself. My schedule, my agenda. I got to see nearly everything I wanted and more and have made a list of places I want to visit next time. On the way there I stopped in at The Museum of African American History and learned that we are all descended from a single female in ancient Africa; mitochondrial DNA proves it. Making us more the same than we think. I stopped in Nashville and stood on the Opry stage, there are no words for this. I toured the grounds of two very beautiful plantation homes, Laura and Oak Alley. Both very different in appearance and how they treated their slaves. It was a good trip and I felt good when I came home.

Me in New Orleans

Laura

Oak Alley

I finished up my fourth palliative care course and only had one and my placement to go but decided to take the summer off. I had plans, lots of them.

 

Then something bad happened at work. A patient I was looking after, got really sick and there was nothing I nor the DR could do about it and she died. I think this is when hole started to open up. I believe this b/c the same week, my sister had friends visiting from overseas - girls I had met before and absolutely adore and had been excited to see - and all of a sudden, I didn't care if Katie included me in their activities or not. That's kind of messed up, particularly since I love those girls so much.

 

Katie, Charlee, Lily and Lucy at Sauble Beach.

 

 My nephew Thomas was born and it felt anticlimactic. He was born the same day that bad thing happened at work and for awhile they were linked in my mind. I should add here, now I think he is the bees knees and I think he thinks that about me too.

Thomas

I developed a stomach ulcer that would not go away. My migraines became worse, when normally they are better in the summer. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over and I had a fun summer, one of my oldest friends got married and I did lots of fun stuff. I rode a horse for the first time, my Nana turned 80, my Grandma turned 90, there was a family reunion on my Dad's side and I got to become good friends with my cousins James and Alex.

 

The beginning of fall saw me in Montreal for CNTC Arbonne, with a few members of our team. I explored and listened and showed up. I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. I came home inspired, knowing I wasn't quite ready for it all yet but with plans to get me ready. That inspiration didn't last very long. I felt unhappy, I told my Mom I was unhappy. She told me I was okay, that I was doing okay.

 

Best view in Montreal

 

I felt disconnected from everything. Except for one thing; that guy and I were still hanging out a bit and I felt like he tethered me to the earth. Which I realize now is completely unfair. We started to hang out more and I hoped it was going to go somewhere but if I'm honest I knew it might not and when I came home from my amazing trip to North Carolina (you can read about that here) he told me he didn't want to date me anymore.

 

Nags Head Beach

 

 

Big black ugly hole. I admit, I can be melodramatic sometimes (you might want to stay away from me if I have to work nights), I tend to worry but I am usually able to pull myself out of it. I know how to deal with my stress, what I need to do to alleviate it but none of those things were working. Work was stressful, so I applied and got a new job -which I'll have had for 3 months by the time I start it. I was angry. I had worked so hard to find out who I was and it didn't appear to make a difference. I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do -like work or laundry. I didn't want to do anything I loved to do - like yoga or choir or scrapbooking; it's taken me way longer to finish my New Orleans scrapbook than it should have and the only reason I went to choir was b/c Tara picked "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. Which I sang for this lyric "And I am done with this graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. "  This was how I felt...told you I could be melodramatic. I literally had to drag myself to do stuff. And I think I ate my feelings too.  I hated the palliative  care course I was taking and I hated the instructor. But my Mom kept telling me, "at least you are getting out of bed, at least you are still doing stuff. You are coping." But I didn't feel like I was. True, it could have been worse, I could have been staying in bed all day - I know someone whom that is a reality for - but forcing yourself to do things you love? That isn't a life either.

 

So I kept my unhappiness to myself. Who would care anyway? What was the point anyway? I began to scare myself a little.

 

Then one morning, I went into work and one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. She had noticed that I hadn't greeted her the way I normally do. And I told her I was stressed all the time. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. And I started to cry. The other nurses at the nurses station all hugged be and told me they loved me. My co-worker said; "You need to see your DR." Finally, someone noticed what I had noticed. I wondered if I might be depressed but then reminded myself that I had just broken up with someone I really liked and maybe I was just feeling bad about that (disclaimer - the break up did NOT cause my depression). But if I was really honest, it had been going on long before that. Finally, someone validated what I had been thinking myself. I made an appointment that day - though it was 3 weeks before I could get in and I called EAP for some counselling.

 

While I waited Hannah Marcotti offered a course on sexy selfies, so I did that and found women whom had the same struggles as me.

 

I invited my niece Lexi for a sleep over and crafted with her all weekend.

 

Lexi playing with my vision board words.

 

 

The counselling sessions have helped me identify some of my self destructive behaviour - like isolation and under sharing.  Something I hope to work on this year. My best friend cried the other day when I told her b/c she wished she had known, so she could have been there for me.

 

It has only been two weeks since I saw my DR but already I feel better. I might have had no control over this happening to me but I can take responsibility for how I handle it now. I can't do it alone and that is okay.

 

I spent the last day of the old year with family, most importantly Lexi and Thomas.

 

Thomas and I at Pizza Hut.

Pure delight, Miss Lexi on New Years Eve.

 

 

I write this b/c it is important to know that depression can happen to anyone, even someone with a pretty blessed life - like me, like a few other people I know. It can also take many forms, from mild to severe. If not looked after mild can go right to severe in an instant. It is okay to ask for help, it does not mean you are broken. For some reason depression has a bad rap but it shouldn't. Does it make you think Robin Williams was any less brilliant or less worthy of a good life? It actually makes me love him more. If you think you aren't okay, you probably aren't. Please reach out, please ask for help.

 

My word for last year was trust. I have learned to trust my journey, this is only a small part of it. This year my word is hope. They say "it's always darkest before the dawn" so I am hopeful for a better year.

 

I hope you learned a lot last year and it wasn't too painful. If it was, here's to a better year for you too!

You are beloved.

 

 

In Rememberance

We called him Poppa with the funny shoe. He had nicotine stained fingers, large glasses and he loved to garden.

His attestation papers describe him as having a fair complexion, brown hair and blue eyes, 5 feet 11.

He was 19 when he signed up in 1917 according to his war records. As a rural boy, whom was needed to help his mother and brothers run the farm, it was not expected that he enlist. In fact none of his brothers did until after George signed up. His older brother Lynden followed him into service in 1918.

George Thomas Jenings

He was gassed over there. My Nana says that every winter he had a chest infection. Colds settling into the scars he came home with. He was one of the lucky ones. He came home. His brother Lynden died of Influenza before being able to come home.

He had 4 children, my Nana the youngest, lots of Grandchildren, lots and lots of Great Grandchildren and now Great Great Grandchildren.

Dad, Nana, Me, Poppa Jenings,Patti and Danny.

He loved gadgets. The family farm had a Delco plant (a generator) long before the electric lines were brought out.

He loved to dance with my Great Nana. She would close her eyes and allow George to lead her.

He fancied himself a handy man. Because he was a lefty he always hooked up the hot and cold water backwards. Once he had hot water running in the toilet.

My most vivid memory of him: is of him in the hospital following hip surgery (not his first and also why he had to wear a raised shoe). I was between 6 and 8 and I was with my Uncle Dave -whom was visiting from university- and Poppa Jenings wanted to show Uncle Dave his incision. He lifted the sheet and beckoned Uncle Dave over. I was to stand on my side of the bed, it was not for young ladies to see. I got the impression that my Uncle Dave didn't really want to see it and I felt that the incision was wasted on him. I really wanted to see it. I thought of him the first time I ever had to remove staples from a hip incision.

He spent many winters in Florida. He was my first miracle, he'd had a stroke when away one year and I prayed that he would live and he did, for many years after. He died when he was 96.

In a way he fought so that I could travel all over the world,so that my sister Katie could spend a year in Spain. He fought for peace, he fought for choice. In a way he fought so I could go to nursing school, so I could own my own home, so I could have the choice to have a baby on my own  if I wanted.

Today I remember him. Today I remember them.

Me and Poppa Jenings

#100happydays

I haven't been blogging much (though I did write this for The Brave Girl Post about deciding I was worth fighting for) because I have been focused on a photography challenge called 100happydays. The object of the challenge was to take a photo of something that makes you happy and share it everyday for 100 days. Is it possible to be happy everyday for 100 days? The answer is YES! Though sometimes they were moments, more than days.

Even though I am an optimist, have a bubbly personality and smile most of the time, I have the tendency to dwell and worry. So this was a perfect challenge for me. A reminder that there is something to be happy about everyday. A co-worker put it well; "Yes, there is something to be happy about everyday, even if that is only that you woke up breathing today. " That doesn't mean there won't be bad days, I had a number of them while I did this challenge, a couple of them really bad. I found that it was helpful to look towards the happy, even if just for a moment.

Sometimes this challenge was difficult; what do you take a photo of when you have spent 12 hours at work today? Even if something happy happened at work - like, an old man sing show tunes to me after his surgery- I couldn't, because of the nature of confidentiality, post them. And what about after night shifts? Sometimes, even on days off, I had to think about what I was going to post. Apparently, I'm capable of making my own happiness and it is most often small simple things. I'm not as hard to please as I thought. Most of my photos can be placed in 10 categories.

Food
Day 51. May 20th. Yummy Beignets. #100happydays #musicandslavesvaction #livingalifethatsgood — at Cafe Beignet at Music Legends Park

Friends

Day 69. Heidi's Bridal Shower. I love this girl, I have loved her since that day in Live Fit and she asked me to be her partner and introduced me to the Backstreet Boys. She was my very first friend when we moved to KW, so it's not surprising that she has made some amazing girlfriends since we met. In a month she will marry the man she has waited her whole life for, the man we dreamed about when we were teenagers. I am so excited for her and I'm really excited for Paul too. Because I know that Heidi was worth waiting for too. #100happydays #worthwaitingfor

Art
Day 68. Spackle, not just for drywall. #100happydays #BraveGirlArtSchoolWings

Family
Day 94. I got a two hour cuddle with my sweet smelling brand new nephew, Thomas. #100happydays #Ilovethisboy #loveatfirstsight

Books
Day 63. Kate Morton might be my favourite author right now. Her books are lengthy (but under 500 pages, so therefore trust worthy) but can be read quickly, mostly because you can't stop. The ending to this one nearly made me gasp. #100happydays #KateMorton

Throwback Thursday
Day 81. Throw back Thursday. My Nana, my Dad, my Great Poppa, Patti, Danny and me. After a long day at work this photo makes me smile. I clearly dressed myself. And apparently as a little girl I was always cold, some things never change. #100happydays #tbt

My garden
Day 61. It is amazing how much can change in two short weeks. Before I left for holidays, my lilac trees looked like sticks, now they are in full bloom. #100happydays #lovespringflowers

Tea
Day 24. White tea and a good book is how I relax after a day shift. #100happydays #TedDekker #relax #newteamugs

History
Day 53. May 22nd. Old school syringes Can you imagine using these? #100happydays #musicandslavesvacation

Music
Day 39. Yesterday's photo. A boy and his guitar. If you have known me a long time, you know that I will forever be on Team Nick. When he pulled out his guitar to play Incomplete, I almost started to cry. He has had some demons to face and it was amazing to see him happy and healthy! So proud of this Brave Dude. Plus guys and guitars are hot. #100happydays #teamnick #KTBSPA

This challenge also helped my photography skills, as I learned to look at items from different perspectives and use different settings. I also learned how to take a selfie. 

I was surprised by the feedback I received. My Aunt Shirley told me how much she loved my positive outlook. Other friends told me how much they enjoyed seeing what I would post each day. I did this for me, not realizing the impact it would have on others. 100happydays is a game changer. Do it for yourself, but I bet you'll brighten someone else's day too.
Ciao!

2013 a year in review.

I remember how hopeful I felt at the beginning of last year. I was going to spend the year counting my blessings, my word for the year was going to be SPARKLE. I really felt like this was it, I was finally the girl GOD intended me to be and since I was that girl now then that guaranteed me my most wished for wish, the beginnings of a family of my own. But GOD had other plans for me this year, some of those plans, I have no idea what he was thinking, but some of those plans were truly amazing.

I did spend the first part of the year counting my blessings; my siblings, my parents, my Nana, my Grandma, my cousins, my friends, music, books, the Backstreet Boys, hot chocolate,first kisses in the snow. I decided to take some palliative care/oncology courses ( I completed 3). Brave Girls offered an art class online, so I participated in that. My niece learned how to say my name. My book club had some great discussions. I was dating!

Then I started to fall for a guy whom never intended to fall for me. Actually that's not really a fair statement, the truth is we weren't on the same page. He wanted something that I wasn't prepared to give and I wanted something that he was not even close to being ready to give to ANYONE. He saw that a little sooner than me, which meant that I got rejected and felt defeated. Soon things that I was capable of doing, like cutting the grass, living alone, cooking for one, felt like big huge deals. Was there something wrong with me?? I asked myself and my mom, on more than one occasion. To say that this coloured huge chunks of my year, would be an understatement. It would mean that I would have to go to my brother's wedding alone and that made me really sad. It would mean no slow dancing at that wedding either. It would mean no one to travel with. It would mean that no one would see me for who I REALLY was. It hurt a lot and it still stings just a bit, if I think about it for too long. This is the part of GODS plan that I can't see why it even happen yet. Someday soon I hope I will.

But I did what a Brave Girl does and I did it anyway. I worked on my art, I worked on my courses, I went to bridal showers, I planned trips, I cooked meals, went to yoga, cut the grass, went to work, got out of bed, smiled, shopped, crafted, sang, went to church and hugged even though my heart wasn't always in it. My new word became FORTATUDE.

I did have to go to my brother Dan's wedding alone but I got to walk down the aisle with my fave person, my niece Lexi, because she didn't want to walk with anyone else. I got to slow dance with my brother Tim and Lexi to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler."

I got to spend the summer with my brother Tim b/c he came home from school to work at the marina even though that wasn't in his plan but I'm so happy he did.

I participated in GISHWHES with an old friend. Toast for underwear, is very uncomfortable, in case you wanted to know. :)

I went on an amazing solo trip to my happy place, Manitoulin Island. I was so at peace there. I learned First Nations crafts, made bannock, spent a lovely evening talking with a woman who feeds herself and her partner all year from her garden, stayed at Meldrum Bay Inn (a place I have wanted to stay in since I was a little girl), swam, read, explored every Island Museum and talk to lots and lots of people. It is not something I will soon forget.

I made a new friend and we stayed friends even after I puked all over her car on our first short road trip.

I joined a new choir in town and sang my heart out!

I am learning self care and have discovered podcasts.

I travelled 3536km to Idaho for Brave Girls camp, all by myself. I saw snow in Wyoming, a huge Lincoln head, visited a Holocaust Museum, stopped in to see some Mormons, learned a lot about how the west was settled, visited the largest truck stop in the world, spent a morning in small town USA, went to an aviation museum and so much more. And when I arrived in Boise my Brave Girl sisters were waiting for me. And they SAW me for who I really am. I was so loved on and continue to get loved on my them. The BGC staff and the women that I feel so blessed to have met, have changed my life. I miss them everyday. It was okay that I cried. They loved that I was the first to meals just because I was happy not to have had to cook it myself.  They loved my rendition of "If I had a million dollars." They hugged me. They cried with me, as I cried with them. I was meant to be there, even if I had to make that journey alone. And I can't wait to go back!!

I went to hear my fave author Ted Dekker speak and then I talked to him! I flirted a little with the band who opened for him.

I started my Arbonne business. I get to work with my cousin's wife. We get to do facials for people and talk about a fantastic product. For me it's not about the money at all but for the new friendships I have made. I always thought I didn't make friends easily but that's not true at all. I can't wait to meet all the people that Arbonne will put in my path. We are going to have so much fun!!

This year my word is TRUST. Trust that I'll be okay. Trust myself. Trust that GOD has a wonderfully fantastic plan for me. Trust that guys wont always break my heart, b/c one day one wont. Trust that he will show up when the time is right. Trust that someday I will have a family of my own. Trust that whatever I want to do, I can. Trust.

Happy New Year!!

A recurring dream.

          I have this recurring dream. In it, I'm standing on a covered porch. It is summer and it's rain - hard. The rain is accompanied by thunder and lightening. So much lightening that it lights up the whole sky. With me, is a little girl with strawberry blonde curls. She looks at me with her big blue eyes - the same eyes my sister Patti had as a little girl, the same eyes my niece Lexi has now. Her eyelashes so long other women will envy them someday. Freckles dot her nose. She smiles at me. She is 3 years old and she is mine.

            The screen door behind us creaks open.

            "What are you crazy girls doing?" a male voice asks. Without turning, I know that he is handsome.

            The little girl giggles, her damp curls bounce.

            "We are watching lightening Daddy. Me and Momma love thunderstorms."

            "Come inside you goofs," He laughs, a laugh so deep that if I laid my head on his chest I would feel it resonate there. "I'll make hot chocolate."

            We turn to him and he lifts the little girl into his arms, much to her delight. She is as smitten with this man as I am. I can't see his face except for the outline of a wickedly sexy grin. Even after years, this man still makes me melt. This is my family, this is my home. Just as he leans to kiss me, I wake up.

            I hope this is a vision of the future and not just my mind playing a cruel trick on me. Of all the prayers I have prayed, this is my most solemn. More than anything in the world, this is what I want. It is buried so deep in my heart, I can't imagine it not coming true. Right now all I can do it wait, turn it over to God and when the time is right, it will happen. I believe this with all my heart. I don't really have any other choice.

32 things

So, today I turn 32. Since I not 100% where I thought I would be when I was 32 (but who really is right?), I have made the commitment to focus on all the good and beautiful blessings in  my life. And all the wonderful and exciting things I have to look forward to. So here is my list of 32 for 32 of hopes and dreams and goals and all the stuff I'm going to enjoy the year I am 32.

1) As soon as the weather is nice a new friend and I are going to go for a drive in my convertible with the top down.

2) My sister Patti and her husband were more than generous to give me a gift certificate to the Brave Girls Shoppe so I am looking forward to picking out my gift...the problem will be picking out just one!

3) Find a pair of cowboy boots I love.

4) A trip to Aberfoyle market, to look for a storage solution for all my craft and art supplies.

5) Be a punk at my brother Dan's Buck and Doe.

6) Two bridal showers for my new sister in law Jessie.

7) A rambunctious bachelorette party for Jessie (provided I can get the weekend off).

8) Horse back riding with the girls from work.

9) 4X8 a study the minister at our church if putting on to ask questions about Christianity. I'm really looking forward to learn more about my own faith.

10) A solo trip to Manitoulin Island.

11) While there stay at The Meldrum Bay Inn a place I have wanted to stay in since my Nana and Poppa first took me to Manitoulin many many years ago.

12) Also stay at my first hostel, Auberge Inn.

13) Take some tours and do some activities with Great Spirit Circle Trail.

14) Farquhar's ice cream.

15) Cry at my brothers wedding.

16) Dance with my siblings and cousins at my brother's wedding.

17) Have Lexi over for a sleepover.

18) Spend some time getting to know some one new.

19) Supernatural with Timbo!

20) Learn Brian Littrell's Wish on guitar in time for Easter next year.

21) Create beautiful things

22) Scrap my heart out.

23) Brave Girls Camp!!!!!

24) Drive to and from Idaho solo.

25) Continue my palliative care studies.

26) Cook a turkey or a roast.

27) Beach road trips.

28) Take an art class.

29) A tea party with my Aunt Kate and my Nana to sort and date all my Nana's old photos.

30) Learn

31) Laugh, sing, dance, giggle, cry, kiss, hug, smile, create ...Be Brave!

32) Sparkle and shine, like the girl GOD intended me to be.

I am so excited to see what this year has in store for me...I think it is going to be amazing!!

Extra Christams money?? WHAT??

Let me first start this post by saying I love Christmas....I love it, I love it, I love it......like a lot. Let me also say that I hate change...hate it, hate it, hate it. I tend to dig my heels in and hold on as hard as I can, especially when that change is not my idea. So when it was decided that this year the siblings and their spouses would draw names, I was less than thrilled. You see, part of the joy for me at Christmas is spending time picking out each person's gift (this coming from a girl who doesn't really like to shop) wrapping it with pretty paper and bows and ribbon and then watching them open it. Each gift gets a lot of thought, I want my family to know that I've been thinking of them over the holiday season.

I know that Christmas isn't about the gifts, it really is about spending time with your loved ones. But every other year I spend Christmas looking after other people's loved ones. I know I picked to be a nurse, I know that it is my calling. But just because it's my calling doesn't make having to work Christmas and missing out on Christmas dinner any easier, in fact I think it sometimes makes it more difficult. So the gift giving is how I cope at Christmas when I am unable to join in all the Christmas fun...it gives me something to look forward to, the shopping seriously gets me in the Christmas spirit (it's the only time of year I will purposely brave the crowds for).

But things change, and so they should. I have 4 brothers and sisters and hopefully we will all be paired up someday and that is a lot of gifts to buy. So, after I called my Nana, called my Dad and stomped around the kitchen a bit (okay a lot), I decided that I didn't have to like this new change. I am Brave Girl, so what was I going to do about it?

Which brought me to this idea.....When Patti and I were in our early teens we belonged to a girls youth group called Canadian Girls in Training (CGIT). Each year we would pool or raise money ( I vaguely remember a bake sale which was attended by one of the hottest boys in my 8th grade class) to pick an angel off the angel tree at the "old" mall and buy a gift for a boy or girl to place under the tree and then we went to McDonald's. For many years I have thought about picking an angel but have never done it. Yesterday while I was finishing up my Christmas shopping, I decided that I would do just that, kinda. The "new" mall doesn't have an angel tree and I don't eat at McDonald's but the "new" mall does have a tree for the toy drive so I decided to pick out a gift representing each sibling and in law that I would not be buying for and place it under the tree. I picked out a gift that I thought each one would have loved as a child. Lego for Ryan, design your own Barbie cloths for Patti, a ballerina Belle for Katie, a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle for Dan and a ballerina baby doll for Jessie. And you know what, it felt good and it was fun. And I will do it again. This way I can still remember my siblings but then give their gifts to someone else. Honestly who needs more stuff anyway??? My siblings don't and I don't but those children do. They need to know that they were loved and remembered at Christmas and each gift I picked was filled with a whole lot of love. And that is what Christmas is all about.

Dancing barefoot

Here is the story of my sister Patti's wedding to Ryan about four weeks ago and why I walked down the aisle in my bare feet. About 12 years ago my cousin Melissa was planning her wedding. Just prior to her engagement, her sister Cara's boyfriend, Von ( now her husband) had been thinking about asking Cara to marry him but had put if off when Kyle asked Melissa. My Grandma said that was a good thing since if Cara got married first, Melissa being the elder would have to dance bare foot at Cara's wedding or risk never finding a husband. Let's blame Leah and Rachel's father for this. Remember them from the Old Testament? Jacob so loved Rachel but had to marry Leah first because she was older and that was the natural order of things. Apparently in English tradition the unmarried elder sister must serve or dance in her bare feet if she wishes to find a husband, it's actually seen as a punishment to the elder sister, you can read more about it HERE. In French Canada the tradition is for the unmarried oldest sibling to dance in really ugly socks (made for the occasion) at any wedding for a younger sibling and people throw money @ them ( but they don't get to keep the money, the newlyweds get it).
So, it's been a joke that I would have to dance at Patti's wedding barefoot. Since it's not uncommon for women to take their shoes off these days on the dance floor and since the dance floor was cement and felt yucky on my feet, I decided to walk down the ailse in my bare feet. Not so that I would find a husband but because I love my sister and we have been joking about it for so long. In truth Patti, probably was always suppose to get married before me, even being the younger sister she has always been the one to pave the way. She got her ears pierced first, she was the one who asked Mom when we could start wearing bras and to show us how to shave our legs. I have a feeling that I'll be very grateful that she went first when it's my turn.
The wedding was beautiful and I couldn't be happier for both of them...I can now officially call Ryan my brother - even though he has felt like that for years.
Here are some moments which highlighted the weekend for me;
1. The laughter of my family as I arrived @ the end of the aisle in my bare feet.

I think my cousin Bret took this.

2. As I watched my sister walk down the aisle with our parents, the tears started to come and pretty much didn't stop, big fat juicy ones.

I think our friend Andy got this one.

3. I had the pleasure of doing a reading @ the wedding. Apparently some of my family members where not sure I would get through it because I was crying so much but I composed myself and read this beautiful reading.

“Blessing of the Hands"
“These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever. These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other. These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy. These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children. These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one. These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it. And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.”

Everyone said I did an good job, but lets face it, I cried thru the whole thing.

4. My cousin Andy and Uncle Bill piped the happy couple out, after being at the Cambridge games all day - in which they got first place. This photo was taken by Ryan's friend Hannah of Red Umbrella Photography, you can visit her on Facebook HERE.

5. Another shot taken by Hannah, to melt your heart. Patti and Ryan's first dance.

Our niece Alexis wanting to join in.

6. Our cousin Greg, whom we don't get to see that often and who is teaching in Thailand, came with his girlfriend Heather. Patti and I had never meet Heather, so we accosted her in the bathroom. Pretty sure she thought Greg has strange cousins, which he does by the way. And a lot of them, welcome to the family Heather!

7. My sister Katie was the MOH. She is 11 years younger than me. Sometimes I forget she is a person and not a baby. Her speech was one of the best...I forget that she can be so funny.

I'm not sure where this photo came from, I think from Ashley and Ainsley's mom April.

8.My cousin Andy also played the pipes at the open jam session, it was so fun to watch Patti and Ryan dancing with the little kids.

9.Two words - Watches Reunion. When Patti and Danny and I were young we had a band called The Watches with our next door neighbour Alie. We reenacted a photo shoot from 1993. Alie is a graphic designer and you can find her HERE.



The original



 

Dan, Patti, Me and Alie.

10. The next day I got to share a juice box with this little cutie.

My niece Alexis

Okay, wow this post has just gotten way longer than I thought it would, so while there are many many more awesome moments, I'll think I'll leave it there. I will say this, Patti and Ryan's friends love to hug, it was like being in highschool again when you hugged everyone you liked every time you saw them or said goodbye. A great way to spend a weekend.  Oh and the cookie table, loved the cookie table!
Well hope you are enjoying your weekend!

Ten on Heartland

Hi everyone,
I'm blogging today to shares some thoughts on my new obsession. Over the last five weeks I have been obsessed with the CBC TV show Heartland. I have watched all five seasons like it was my job (only I didn't get paid and it was a whole lot more fun). Truthfully it's been too humid here to really feel like doing much more than sit under the fan. I love this show so much that I had to share these 10 thoughts on Heartland.

1. Why have I not discovered this show before? Maybe 5 years ago it might not have meant as much. One of the major themes is about finding and living your truth. Something I have been figuring out for the last year.

2. Canadian shows set in Canada are awesome!! Alberta is the perfect back-drop for this series based on the Heartland books. Plus I have loved seeing familiar faces from other Canadian shows, like Degrassi and Being Erica.

3. I really really want a pair of cowboy boots.

4. The RCMP uniform hasn't really changed in 30 years. The policemen on the show wear the same uniform my Dad wore when I was a little girl in BC. The car has changed though.

5. Canadian music ROCKS! Like this song from season five: All I need is you - Miranda Frigon

6. People and horses aren't that much different. It pays to be patient, if you pretend you have all the time in the world, things go a lot smoother. This is true with horses and people - try transferring a patient who moves poorly when you are in a rush. Doesn't work that well.

7.I really like the cloths Amy and Lou wear. Amy has some really cool shirts. I saw some similar styles in a local second hand shop. I guess I better get over my phobia of wearing other peoples shirts.

8. Here's a no brainer; communication is key. Ty and Amy's relationship is so much stronger when they talk to each other. I love the growth between these two characters. I really like that even though these characters are a good match, it hasn't always been easy but it's been worth it.

9. This show is so good that it has made me cry more than once. One time bawling my eyes out, ugly crying. And then I threw my Ty dog Skippy across the room @ the TV. If you have watched season four, you'll be able to guess which episode did it. :)

10. One of the greatest strengths of this show is its focus on relationships. Namely, the relationships within a family, blood or otherwise. This is a good family show and that's refreshing.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself until season six resumes in September. I think I might go into withdrawal.
Anyway hope everyone is enjoying their week so far. I've got a busy weekend ahead and I can't wait!

Faith Fridays - Counting my blessings

This weeks faith Friday prompt from Courtney Walsh, over @ Telling stories was to document your blessings.
I am a contradiction; I'm an optimist but I also worry a lot. I sometimes tend to focus on what I don't have. I think this is very true of society as a whole, always wanting more, always wanting to do better and we forget about the amazing stuff that is standing right in front of us.

After a wonderful weekend spent at two showers for my sister Patti, hanging out with my niece, a long car ride with Katie, chats with my brother Dan and meeting alot of new people (which btw I really struggle with meeting new people, I always feel so awkward), this LO was really easy for me. One of my biggest blessing is my family and I know Patti, Dan and Katie would say the same thing. Whether that family is the one we were born into or the one we choose.

These are my blessing in no particular order;

A sister in law who speaks her mind.

The chance to travel.

A profession that will allow me many opportunities.

A sister who was my first friend.

Women to women relationships with my Nana and Grandma.

A sister who is more fearless than anyone gives her credit for.

A very special niece and goddaughter.

A huge extended family.

A few very good friends.

A mother who is my biggest fan.

The gift of music.

A brother who is a calm cool head just when it is needed.

A strong father.

A brother in law who has loved me and annoyed me like my own brothers.

A home to call my own, in a town that I love.

A brother I wasn't sure I wanted but that GOD knew I needed.

A GOD who knows me by name.

These are alot of things to be thankful for and that is only the half of it...there are many many more.

Well, I better run. I've got pies to bake for the church BBQ and I better check to see if Dad needs any help installing my new tub surround.

Thanks for stopping by!