2014 reflection - a confession

Happy New Year everyone! Now is the time to reflect on the past year.

 

I hesitated  to write this post b/c isn't all babies and adventures - although there is some of that but it is also about my struggle this year. A struggle that I carried with me all year - and maybe before that. A struggle that I didn't have a name for, until two weeks ago when my DR told me I scaled mild to moderate on the depression scale. I also don't want to make this post a pity party, because it is not. You might think WTF, she has a blessed life and I'll admit that I do. It's not about that, it's about a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can not fix on my own. If two of my lovelies Anne Theriault and Melody Ross have taught me anything this year, it is sharing our stories are important. Someone out there might need to read this, so this post is for them.

 

The year started with a kick in the pants from a friend whom told me I wasn't putting myself 'out there' enough when it came to dating. Man, I was mad at him but he was right. So I did what he suggested and the result found me with a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself falling in love with some day. And while he could see himself maybe falling for me someday, he just wasn't ready and we decided that we'd just be friends for now. I'll admit, I was sorely disappointed. And I discovered, I was still carrying around some pain left over from some long past relationships and I had the opportunity to work thru that at the time.

 

This is when I first noticed something wasn't quite okay. You see I didn't realize how much stress I had, until it was gone and then came back. The guy I had been spending time with made me feel at peace and content and worry free and we had fun together. He was a great hugger, which is a huge stress reliever for me apparently. Even though I didn't share all my stress with him, I felt like I could. I felt the burden of the world lift because I could share it with him if I wanted. I felt safe. So the stress went away. And when he went away, it came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was on high alert all the time, at work, at home, everywhere. I didn't feel relaxed ever, and I never felt peaceful.

 

Over the last couple years I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself feel okay, so I worked my way thru The Walk by Brave Girls. My take away from that is; we are all BELOVED and each day I should go out in the world and act as if I'm beloved and treat everyone as if they are beloved too. In doing this, I think, I hope, I have become more gentle with other people - I'll be the first to admit I can be judgy sometimes. It has certainly helped with my interactions with my patients, for which I am grateful. However, that gentleness didn't quite transfer over to myself.

What I bring to the circle

I also participated in #100happydays. Which I'm sure kept me from falling into a black hole. I wrote about it here.

Getting ready for a music video shoot.

Nick Carter....my boy and his guitar.

 

During that time, I went on an amazing adventure to New Orleans. It is a place I have wanted to visit for a long time. I felt good there...I'm pretty sure I was a Southern Belle in another life time. I loved learning the history; creoles, slavery, the civil war, jazz, pirates, voodoo, witch craft and vampires. It was like being in France/Spain but I didn't have to leave the continent.  Occasionally, I wished for a particular male companion but I actually enjoy travelling by myself. My schedule, my agenda. I got to see nearly everything I wanted and more and have made a list of places I want to visit next time. On the way there I stopped in at The Museum of African American History and learned that we are all descended from a single female in ancient Africa; mitochondrial DNA proves it. Making us more the same than we think. I stopped in Nashville and stood on the Opry stage, there are no words for this. I toured the grounds of two very beautiful plantation homes, Laura and Oak Alley. Both very different in appearance and how they treated their slaves. It was a good trip and I felt good when I came home.

Me in New Orleans

Laura

Oak Alley

I finished up my fourth palliative care course and only had one and my placement to go but decided to take the summer off. I had plans, lots of them.

 

Then something bad happened at work. A patient I was looking after, got really sick and there was nothing I nor the DR could do about it and she died. I think this is when hole started to open up. I believe this b/c the same week, my sister had friends visiting from overseas - girls I had met before and absolutely adore and had been excited to see - and all of a sudden, I didn't care if Katie included me in their activities or not. That's kind of messed up, particularly since I love those girls so much.

 

Katie, Charlee, Lily and Lucy at Sauble Beach.

 

 My nephew Thomas was born and it felt anticlimactic. He was born the same day that bad thing happened at work and for awhile they were linked in my mind. I should add here, now I think he is the bees knees and I think he thinks that about me too.

Thomas

I developed a stomach ulcer that would not go away. My migraines became worse, when normally they are better in the summer. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over and I had a fun summer, one of my oldest friends got married and I did lots of fun stuff. I rode a horse for the first time, my Nana turned 80, my Grandma turned 90, there was a family reunion on my Dad's side and I got to become good friends with my cousins James and Alex.

 

The beginning of fall saw me in Montreal for CNTC Arbonne, with a few members of our team. I explored and listened and showed up. I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. I came home inspired, knowing I wasn't quite ready for it all yet but with plans to get me ready. That inspiration didn't last very long. I felt unhappy, I told my Mom I was unhappy. She told me I was okay, that I was doing okay.

 

Best view in Montreal

 

I felt disconnected from everything. Except for one thing; that guy and I were still hanging out a bit and I felt like he tethered me to the earth. Which I realize now is completely unfair. We started to hang out more and I hoped it was going to go somewhere but if I'm honest I knew it might not and when I came home from my amazing trip to North Carolina (you can read about that here) he told me he didn't want to date me anymore.

 

Nags Head Beach

 

 

Big black ugly hole. I admit, I can be melodramatic sometimes (you might want to stay away from me if I have to work nights), I tend to worry but I am usually able to pull myself out of it. I know how to deal with my stress, what I need to do to alleviate it but none of those things were working. Work was stressful, so I applied and got a new job -which I'll have had for 3 months by the time I start it. I was angry. I had worked so hard to find out who I was and it didn't appear to make a difference. I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do -like work or laundry. I didn't want to do anything I loved to do - like yoga or choir or scrapbooking; it's taken me way longer to finish my New Orleans scrapbook than it should have and the only reason I went to choir was b/c Tara picked "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. Which I sang for this lyric "And I am done with this graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. "  This was how I felt...told you I could be melodramatic. I literally had to drag myself to do stuff. And I think I ate my feelings too.  I hated the palliative  care course I was taking and I hated the instructor. But my Mom kept telling me, "at least you are getting out of bed, at least you are still doing stuff. You are coping." But I didn't feel like I was. True, it could have been worse, I could have been staying in bed all day - I know someone whom that is a reality for - but forcing yourself to do things you love? That isn't a life either.

 

So I kept my unhappiness to myself. Who would care anyway? What was the point anyway? I began to scare myself a little.

 

Then one morning, I went into work and one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. She had noticed that I hadn't greeted her the way I normally do. And I told her I was stressed all the time. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. And I started to cry. The other nurses at the nurses station all hugged be and told me they loved me. My co-worker said; "You need to see your DR." Finally, someone noticed what I had noticed. I wondered if I might be depressed but then reminded myself that I had just broken up with someone I really liked and maybe I was just feeling bad about that (disclaimer - the break up did NOT cause my depression). But if I was really honest, it had been going on long before that. Finally, someone validated what I had been thinking myself. I made an appointment that day - though it was 3 weeks before I could get in and I called EAP for some counselling.

 

While I waited Hannah Marcotti offered a course on sexy selfies, so I did that and found women whom had the same struggles as me.

 

I invited my niece Lexi for a sleep over and crafted with her all weekend.

 

Lexi playing with my vision board words.

 

 

The counselling sessions have helped me identify some of my self destructive behaviour - like isolation and under sharing.  Something I hope to work on this year. My best friend cried the other day when I told her b/c she wished she had known, so she could have been there for me.

 

It has only been two weeks since I saw my DR but already I feel better. I might have had no control over this happening to me but I can take responsibility for how I handle it now. I can't do it alone and that is okay.

 

I spent the last day of the old year with family, most importantly Lexi and Thomas.

 

Thomas and I at Pizza Hut.

Pure delight, Miss Lexi on New Years Eve.

 

 

I write this b/c it is important to know that depression can happen to anyone, even someone with a pretty blessed life - like me, like a few other people I know. It can also take many forms, from mild to severe. If not looked after mild can go right to severe in an instant. It is okay to ask for help, it does not mean you are broken. For some reason depression has a bad rap but it shouldn't. Does it make you think Robin Williams was any less brilliant or less worthy of a good life? It actually makes me love him more. If you think you aren't okay, you probably aren't. Please reach out, please ask for help.

 

My word for last year was trust. I have learned to trust my journey, this is only a small part of it. This year my word is hope. They say "it's always darkest before the dawn" so I am hopeful for a better year.

 

I hope you learned a lot last year and it wasn't too painful. If it was, here's to a better year for you too!

You are beloved.

 

 

I am learning....

Good Afternoon all!
As the year comes to a close I have been thinking about what this year has meant to me. It has been a year full of transition and lots and lots of learning, some of it has been yucky and a lot of it has been joyful. Here's what I have been learning this year.

• I am learning the joy of having paint and glue all over my hands..it is so satisfying. I am learning to love art like I did as a child and not compare my art to anyone else's.  I'm also learning to call it art.
• I am learning that I get to choose..... I get to choose how I spend my time and where I put my energy.
• I am learning that the opinions of others do not define my self worth...I do. I have a lot to offer this world and a lot of people love me very very much and no one can take that away. 
• I am learning that it is not weird to think of my guitar as an extension of myself, even if I am just learning to play her.
• I am learning to seek my truth and recognize it when I see it...whether it is walking in the main square of Malaga at twilight after it has rained, spending time with family, laughing with patients, singing or creating. I am also learning that if I have an idea about where my truth might be, I need to make plans to make it happen, like Brave Girls Camp or Manitoulin Island.
• I am learning a new computer, after eight years with the same one I am struggling. It is probably b/c I don't care that much about technology anymore but I choose not to let this computer get the best of me!
• I am learning that I am funny...apparently my Mom thinks I'm hilarious, I did not know this and I'm really glad she told me.
• I am learning that I am beautiful inside and out.
• I am learning that I am brave. Way braver than I thought. Sometimes just living day to day is brave. Travelling alone is brave. Singing solo's in church is brave. Taking risks is brave.
• I am learning that simple is best...less is more ( except in and around my craft desk!). I don't need much.
• I am learning that who I am is enough. I know I'm weird and moody and stubborn but I am also creative, kind and generous and many other wonderful things. My authentic self, is my best self.

I'm really looking forward to the new year, I've learned so much this year and I can't wait to see what I will learn next year. I hope this coming year is full of blessings for you...thank you soooo much stopping by.

Reflection on 2011

Happy New Year everyone! Hope everyone had a great night.
Stephanie Howell does a monthly challenge called blog your heart, basically you can blog about anything but it has to be authentic. So, since 2011 was such a mix bag, I thought I'd play along with my 2011 reflection.

1. I got to go to Punta Cana and witness a friend from highschool and a friend from elementary school get married. I also got to meet and spend time with some wonderful people, friends I hope will be in my life for a long time and friends that I got to reconnect with.

2. I became an Aunt for the first time! Alexis was born on March 1st. I also became her Godmother. I'm a little nervous about this as I think it is a huge responsibility and I want to get it right. I will be the one of the primary educators in the Christian faith. I'm not even sure where to start. But I'm really excited to get started!

3.I haven't really been feeling the joy at work this year. I'm a nurse so my job can be a hard one anyway but when you feel like you aren't fitting in that can make it even more difficult. It's hard being different, even if your different is an awesome kind of different.

4. Two of my cousins got married this year. I was so stoked for both of them, especially Andrea b/c it really is about time she had some happiness and sunshine in her life.

5. I got a new brother and sister!!! Okay not really but they feel like family. My Nana had an Irish student staying with her this summer, Ciaran. He fit in with our family very well, to the point that he was calling us his brothers and sisters and we were calling him our brother too. He just fits so well. His sister Aine came to visit at the end of the summer and it was like she belonged to us too. It's weird how that happens and we all wish that Ireland wasn't so very far away.

6. At the beginning of August my step dad Denis had a stroke, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, flew back to France for treatment with my mom and was gone by the first week of Sept.

7. My brother Dan and I flew to France to be with my mom for two weeks. Not the way either of us thought we would get back to Europe but there you have it. I'm really really glad that Dan went with me and I didn't have to go alone. Also, I know we were being looked after b/c it could have been a nightmare trying to get to France on such short notice. Everything went fairly smoothly, except for that time a pigeon pooped on me in Paris and we had to run to catch our train to Nimes.

8. I am so glad that I am not an only child, we five really banned together and I feel so lucky to have them.

9. While all this was going on I discovered Brave Girls Club. Perfect timing! If you haven't checked them out yet....GO. Go right after you finish ready this post. It's really hard to explain the value this group of women has had on me or the value of the classes I have taken. I have learned a lot about myself, about the lies I've been telling myself, about the lies that other people have been telling me, that I love paint and glue and that while Patti is the artist in our family, my work is just as valuable even if just to me. If you are feeling even the little bit lost, please check these ladies out....it will be well worth it. Can't wait for Brave Girls Camp 2013.


I am looking forward to see what 2012 will bring. More creating and more love I hope. Also my sister Patti is getting married...Finally!!! They have already been together for more than a decade. Sorry Patti but I have to dance barefoot @ you wedding so I have to get at least one jab in.
I hope everyone has a blessed year!

Welcome 2011!

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone enjoyed their night last night. I can't honestly say I'm sorry to see 2010 go. While it started off pretty great, with the best party ever...Matt and Emma's wedding, it kinda went down hill from there. I spent the first half of the year dizzy everyday before finding out they were stress migraines and then the last half of the year with joint pain (rheumatoid arthritis). On the bright side though,while neither one of these is going away anytime soon, they are both being treated and I am learning what I need to do to cope with them. People that I love have lost people who meant alot to them, my step-brother and step-sister lost their dad, my Nana lost one of her best friends and her uncle (not to mention she was also still settling an estate for a neighbour who had passed the previous year), and my Aunt lost her mom (my cousins lost their Grandma). We also lost two of the ladies that go for lunch with us on Sundays to the Boot and Blade.

Not to be one who only sees the negative though, there was some good in 2010:
Matt and Emma's Wedding.
Miranda Panda was born (she is for sure a child of my heart...Fez jokes that she could actually be mine...apparently after she was born, both Fez and her mom looked @ Randi and said "she looks like Christa").
Ollie was born.
Camping with the whole family.
My sister got engaged.

I'm really looking forward to 2011. Lots of amazing stuff is happening, my oldest friend is due with her first any day now, Jumanji will be born, I'll get to spent my 30th with my new niece, Punta Cana for Jenn and Darryl's wedding, then their recpection here and April's wedding.

I've also thought about my New Years resolutions. This year I will drink more water, I did this a few years ago and was successful. You might ask why if I thought I was successful am I doing it again...well I was successful @ drinking more water @ work but not so much @ home, so my goal is to drink more water @ home. My other resolution is to pray more...with intent. I live alone, so I talk to GOD all the time..but rarely pray with intent, so I'm going to do that more.

I also like to make wishes for the future every year but instead of wishing to be a wife and mother someday (as I said I talk to GOD alot..I don't need to wish it...he knows), I wish to be an amazing Aunt, a great sister and a wonderful friend. I wish to love more, laugh often.

I hope everyone has a laughter filled 2011.
Cheers.