2014 reflection - a confession

Happy New Year everyone! Now is the time to reflect on the past year.

 

I hesitated  to write this post b/c isn't all babies and adventures - although there is some of that but it is also about my struggle this year. A struggle that I carried with me all year - and maybe before that. A struggle that I didn't have a name for, until two weeks ago when my DR told me I scaled mild to moderate on the depression scale. I also don't want to make this post a pity party, because it is not. You might think WTF, she has a blessed life and I'll admit that I do. It's not about that, it's about a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can not fix on my own. If two of my lovelies Anne Theriault and Melody Ross have taught me anything this year, it is sharing our stories are important. Someone out there might need to read this, so this post is for them.

 

The year started with a kick in the pants from a friend whom told me I wasn't putting myself 'out there' enough when it came to dating. Man, I was mad at him but he was right. So I did what he suggested and the result found me with a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself falling in love with some day. And while he could see himself maybe falling for me someday, he just wasn't ready and we decided that we'd just be friends for now. I'll admit, I was sorely disappointed. And I discovered, I was still carrying around some pain left over from some long past relationships and I had the opportunity to work thru that at the time.

 

This is when I first noticed something wasn't quite okay. You see I didn't realize how much stress I had, until it was gone and then came back. The guy I had been spending time with made me feel at peace and content and worry free and we had fun together. He was a great hugger, which is a huge stress reliever for me apparently. Even though I didn't share all my stress with him, I felt like I could. I felt the burden of the world lift because I could share it with him if I wanted. I felt safe. So the stress went away. And when he went away, it came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was on high alert all the time, at work, at home, everywhere. I didn't feel relaxed ever, and I never felt peaceful.

 

Over the last couple years I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself feel okay, so I worked my way thru The Walk by Brave Girls. My take away from that is; we are all BELOVED and each day I should go out in the world and act as if I'm beloved and treat everyone as if they are beloved too. In doing this, I think, I hope, I have become more gentle with other people - I'll be the first to admit I can be judgy sometimes. It has certainly helped with my interactions with my patients, for which I am grateful. However, that gentleness didn't quite transfer over to myself.

What I bring to the circle

I also participated in #100happydays. Which I'm sure kept me from falling into a black hole. I wrote about it here.

Getting ready for a music video shoot.

Nick Carter....my boy and his guitar.

 

During that time, I went on an amazing adventure to New Orleans. It is a place I have wanted to visit for a long time. I felt good there...I'm pretty sure I was a Southern Belle in another life time. I loved learning the history; creoles, slavery, the civil war, jazz, pirates, voodoo, witch craft and vampires. It was like being in France/Spain but I didn't have to leave the continent.  Occasionally, I wished for a particular male companion but I actually enjoy travelling by myself. My schedule, my agenda. I got to see nearly everything I wanted and more and have made a list of places I want to visit next time. On the way there I stopped in at The Museum of African American History and learned that we are all descended from a single female in ancient Africa; mitochondrial DNA proves it. Making us more the same than we think. I stopped in Nashville and stood on the Opry stage, there are no words for this. I toured the grounds of two very beautiful plantation homes, Laura and Oak Alley. Both very different in appearance and how they treated their slaves. It was a good trip and I felt good when I came home.

Me in New Orleans

Laura

Oak Alley

I finished up my fourth palliative care course and only had one and my placement to go but decided to take the summer off. I had plans, lots of them.

 

Then something bad happened at work. A patient I was looking after, got really sick and there was nothing I nor the DR could do about it and she died. I think this is when hole started to open up. I believe this b/c the same week, my sister had friends visiting from overseas - girls I had met before and absolutely adore and had been excited to see - and all of a sudden, I didn't care if Katie included me in their activities or not. That's kind of messed up, particularly since I love those girls so much.

 

Katie, Charlee, Lily and Lucy at Sauble Beach.

 

 My nephew Thomas was born and it felt anticlimactic. He was born the same day that bad thing happened at work and for awhile they were linked in my mind. I should add here, now I think he is the bees knees and I think he thinks that about me too.

Thomas

I developed a stomach ulcer that would not go away. My migraines became worse, when normally they are better in the summer. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over and I had a fun summer, one of my oldest friends got married and I did lots of fun stuff. I rode a horse for the first time, my Nana turned 80, my Grandma turned 90, there was a family reunion on my Dad's side and I got to become good friends with my cousins James and Alex.

 

The beginning of fall saw me in Montreal for CNTC Arbonne, with a few members of our team. I explored and listened and showed up. I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. I came home inspired, knowing I wasn't quite ready for it all yet but with plans to get me ready. That inspiration didn't last very long. I felt unhappy, I told my Mom I was unhappy. She told me I was okay, that I was doing okay.

 

Best view in Montreal

 

I felt disconnected from everything. Except for one thing; that guy and I were still hanging out a bit and I felt like he tethered me to the earth. Which I realize now is completely unfair. We started to hang out more and I hoped it was going to go somewhere but if I'm honest I knew it might not and when I came home from my amazing trip to North Carolina (you can read about that here) he told me he didn't want to date me anymore.

 

Nags Head Beach

 

 

Big black ugly hole. I admit, I can be melodramatic sometimes (you might want to stay away from me if I have to work nights), I tend to worry but I am usually able to pull myself out of it. I know how to deal with my stress, what I need to do to alleviate it but none of those things were working. Work was stressful, so I applied and got a new job -which I'll have had for 3 months by the time I start it. I was angry. I had worked so hard to find out who I was and it didn't appear to make a difference. I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do -like work or laundry. I didn't want to do anything I loved to do - like yoga or choir or scrapbooking; it's taken me way longer to finish my New Orleans scrapbook than it should have and the only reason I went to choir was b/c Tara picked "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. Which I sang for this lyric "And I am done with this graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. "  This was how I felt...told you I could be melodramatic. I literally had to drag myself to do stuff. And I think I ate my feelings too.  I hated the palliative  care course I was taking and I hated the instructor. But my Mom kept telling me, "at least you are getting out of bed, at least you are still doing stuff. You are coping." But I didn't feel like I was. True, it could have been worse, I could have been staying in bed all day - I know someone whom that is a reality for - but forcing yourself to do things you love? That isn't a life either.

 

So I kept my unhappiness to myself. Who would care anyway? What was the point anyway? I began to scare myself a little.

 

Then one morning, I went into work and one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. She had noticed that I hadn't greeted her the way I normally do. And I told her I was stressed all the time. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. And I started to cry. The other nurses at the nurses station all hugged be and told me they loved me. My co-worker said; "You need to see your DR." Finally, someone noticed what I had noticed. I wondered if I might be depressed but then reminded myself that I had just broken up with someone I really liked and maybe I was just feeling bad about that (disclaimer - the break up did NOT cause my depression). But if I was really honest, it had been going on long before that. Finally, someone validated what I had been thinking myself. I made an appointment that day - though it was 3 weeks before I could get in and I called EAP for some counselling.

 

While I waited Hannah Marcotti offered a course on sexy selfies, so I did that and found women whom had the same struggles as me.

 

I invited my niece Lexi for a sleep over and crafted with her all weekend.

 

Lexi playing with my vision board words.

 

 

The counselling sessions have helped me identify some of my self destructive behaviour - like isolation and under sharing.  Something I hope to work on this year. My best friend cried the other day when I told her b/c she wished she had known, so she could have been there for me.

 

It has only been two weeks since I saw my DR but already I feel better. I might have had no control over this happening to me but I can take responsibility for how I handle it now. I can't do it alone and that is okay.

 

I spent the last day of the old year with family, most importantly Lexi and Thomas.

 

Thomas and I at Pizza Hut.

Pure delight, Miss Lexi on New Years Eve.

 

 

I write this b/c it is important to know that depression can happen to anyone, even someone with a pretty blessed life - like me, like a few other people I know. It can also take many forms, from mild to severe. If not looked after mild can go right to severe in an instant. It is okay to ask for help, it does not mean you are broken. For some reason depression has a bad rap but it shouldn't. Does it make you think Robin Williams was any less brilliant or less worthy of a good life? It actually makes me love him more. If you think you aren't okay, you probably aren't. Please reach out, please ask for help.

 

My word for last year was trust. I have learned to trust my journey, this is only a small part of it. This year my word is hope. They say "it's always darkest before the dawn" so I am hopeful for a better year.

 

I hope you learned a lot last year and it wasn't too painful. If it was, here's to a better year for you too!

You are beloved.

 

 

Pet Peeve

Hi Everyone!!

Yesterday I decided to play along with Sue and Canadian Scrapbooker on their Leave Your Legacy challenge. Their topic; Pet Peeves. I made this page about a huge pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people doodle on magazines...I'm not sure where this pet peeve comes from but it drives me nuts, just ask my brothers and sisters and don't you dare touch my TV Guide!

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by!

32 things

So, today I turn 32. Since I not 100% where I thought I would be when I was 32 (but who really is right?), I have made the commitment to focus on all the good and beautiful blessings in  my life. And all the wonderful and exciting things I have to look forward to. So here is my list of 32 for 32 of hopes and dreams and goals and all the stuff I'm going to enjoy the year I am 32.

1) As soon as the weather is nice a new friend and I are going to go for a drive in my convertible with the top down.

2) My sister Patti and her husband were more than generous to give me a gift certificate to the Brave Girls Shoppe so I am looking forward to picking out my gift...the problem will be picking out just one!

3) Find a pair of cowboy boots I love.

4) A trip to Aberfoyle market, to look for a storage solution for all my craft and art supplies.

5) Be a punk at my brother Dan's Buck and Doe.

6) Two bridal showers for my new sister in law Jessie.

7) A rambunctious bachelorette party for Jessie (provided I can get the weekend off).

8) Horse back riding with the girls from work.

9) 4X8 a study the minister at our church if putting on to ask questions about Christianity. I'm really looking forward to learn more about my own faith.

10) A solo trip to Manitoulin Island.

11) While there stay at The Meldrum Bay Inn a place I have wanted to stay in since my Nana and Poppa first took me to Manitoulin many many years ago.

12) Also stay at my first hostel, Auberge Inn.

13) Take some tours and do some activities with Great Spirit Circle Trail.

14) Farquhar's ice cream.

15) Cry at my brothers wedding.

16) Dance with my siblings and cousins at my brother's wedding.

17) Have Lexi over for a sleepover.

18) Spend some time getting to know some one new.

19) Supernatural with Timbo!

20) Learn Brian Littrell's Wish on guitar in time for Easter next year.

21) Create beautiful things

22) Scrap my heart out.

23) Brave Girls Camp!!!!!

24) Drive to and from Idaho solo.

25) Continue my palliative care studies.

26) Cook a turkey or a roast.

27) Beach road trips.

28) Take an art class.

29) A tea party with my Aunt Kate and my Nana to sort and date all my Nana's old photos.

30) Learn

31) Laugh, sing, dance, giggle, cry, kiss, hug, smile, create ...Be Brave!

32) Sparkle and shine, like the girl GOD intended me to be.

I am so excited to see what this year has in store for me...I think it is going to be amazing!!

Tomorrow - Creative Scrappers 246

Good morning all,
So it's been awhile since I played along with a scrapbooking blog but this weeks sketch from Creative Scrappers really worked for me.

I flipped it and only used one photo. Last week in church we talked about tomorrows and how only GOD knows what tomorrow will bring and we need to have faith that we will be looked after. It's wasteful to worry about tomorrow, when you don't have much control over it. This is something I need to remember, as I worry a lot. This page is going in my faithbook as a reminder.

We are getting hit hard with snow again...hope everyone is keeping safe!

Creative Scrappers- 220- I will remember you

Hi everyone,
It's been along time since I participated in a sketch challenge but last week this sketch from Creative scrappers really inspired me.

I loved the simplicity of it and it was perfect for this LO about the magnolia tree I planted in memory of my step dad, Denis. The purple/pink colour of the paper is the colour the blooms of the flowers will be, hopefully next year.

I hope everyone if enjoying their week. It's raining here again, after over a month without rain, so my brother and I are going to spend the afternoon watching Supernatural. Got to get the rest of the season in before he goes back to Uni in Sept.
Peace.

31 things

Yesterday I turned 31. So here is my list of 31 things that I'm looking forward too or plan to do this year that I'm 31.

1. Go to my oldest friend’s 30^th Birthday party.
2. Say goodbye to my One Tree Hill friends one last time and then probably re-watch all 9 seasons on DVD.
3. Finish my first ever paying scrapbooking gig (hopefully in the next couple weeks).
4. Soul Restoration 2 by Brave Girls
5. Finish the rest of the Harry Potter movies with my mom.
6. Finish reading the Harry Potter books again.
7. Attend 3 bridal showers for my sister Patti.
8. Plant a magnolia tree in my yard in memory of my step dad, Denis.
9. Scrapbook more about my faith.
10. Patti and Ryan’s Buck and Doe.
11. Paint the deck.
12. Be my Dad’s assistant when he puts in a new tub surround in the bathroom.
13. A photo shoot and not a wedding related one either.
14. Dance barefoot at my younger sister Patti’s wedding.
15. Make an effort with those who matter and stop trying with those who don’t.
16. Kiss my cousin Roo’s baby girl once she is here.
17. So far I have 4 teddy bears to make.
18. Another Supernatural marathon with my brother Tim.
19. Learn something new, not sure what that is yet but something.
20. Possibly a trip to Spain this fall, while my sister Katie is there.
21. Play with Alexis, cause she’s not much for cuddling anymore.
22. Make Alexis’ Christmas present.
23. Spend a few days with my girl Fez and her daughter Miranda.
24. Cry when my Dad and Sandra move (this isn’t something I’m really looking forward too but it’s gonna happen).
25. More gum surgery, I’m only looking forward to this, in the fact that I’ll be done for awhile.
26. Finish my “The year I was 30 scrapbook.”
27. Another year out @ Grey Roots.
28. Beach days with Liz.
29. Scrapbook more of my history, for example scrapbook more old photos and also scrapbook more family stories, I’ve got a great one about my Grandma’s mom and superstition.
30. Keep Listening
31. Be the girl I was meant to be, even if that means I have to be different than everyone else.

Thanks for stopping by.

Church, school and scrapbooking.

Yesterday was a busy day for me. An emotionally draining day, although I didn't realize it until I got home yesterday afternoon.

It started early off early @ my church for a..... conference I guess you could call it. Two of the United Churches in my town are in talks together with the intent to amalgamate, so this has gotten us thinking about our future and what we need to do to make it a stable one. Lots of changes are going to need to be made and it's going to be hard work. The good news is we are evaluating this at the right time. We have many years left before we would just have to walk away if we continue as we are doing.  And from the sounds of it, not many want to continue with just what we are doing.
Then I went to the library to their "making room" book sale and got some really good finds. Five hardcover books for five dollars and some fairly recent ones at that. I also went to the chip wagon for fries even though it was raining. So good.

Then I headed over to my old elementary school for an open house. They are tearing it down this summer in favour of a new school. It makes me sad b/c I spent many happy years there and my Poppa went there as a boy. This is the second school that I have gone to that will no longer be standing. I walked the halls that seemed so big back then with a girl who was one of my best friends then. Both of us looked at each other when we passed the taxidermy case filled with animals and said "We must have repressed that memory." In the gym there were scrapbooks. I don't who but during the years that I went there someone toke the time to cut out all the newspapers clippings about students and former students from my school. There I was with my sister Patti and our next door neighbour Allie pushing doll carriages. Darryl looking exactly the same. Zeke snow boarding. And Jay a classmate of Patti's who passed from cancer. I was amazed that some toke all that care to save those things, to know to look for our names. That is why scrapbook. As I entered my second grade class, I remembered another reason I scrapbook. My teacher Mrs R. had us scrapbook for some of our assignments. I think Mrs R. deserves a post all on her own, so here is just a quick look @ the books I made, that my mom toke the care to keep for me.

This is from my LOVE BOOK. It's funny but in my own way, I have been scrapping ever since. I have albums and albums of photos and clippings. I've been collecting, way before I toke my first scrap booking class.
Anyway, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to my school but when I got home I was exhausted. I had no energy to do anything. Good thing it was raining!
I did manage to whip up this little book about my 30th b-day.

I used box board, punched holes in, covered it with paper and used ribbon to hold it all together. I used the button my family made me wear on the front cover.

I included the invite my Dad sent out from Lexi. I had to fold it up, so it would fit. I also included the funny card on the right that Liz gave me.

Added some stickers and pictures.

I'm happy with how it turned out. I have never made a mini book before and it worked out perfectly for these pictures.

Anyway, I've got to run. Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

Ten for 30.

Hello all it's Tuesday and over on It's a crafty Life Kim is playing Ten on Tuesdays. I turn 30 on Friday and an slightly bummed because two large milestones I thought would have happened have not, I'm not a wife or a mom yet. So instead of dwelling on that I'm going to make a list of ten plans I have for my 30th year.

1. As many snuggles and cuddles with Alexis as I can get.

2. Apparently Alexis is having a party @ her parents house for me on Sat. Poppa (my dad) is helping her plan it.

3. I will officially be a grown up, when I have my first party ever in my first house. It's a baby shower for Alexis.

4. I'm going to create a mini album of my 30th year, month by month, journalling on a calender everyday. This will be challenging since I live alone and when I work I work 12 hour shifts, so I'm going to have to work really hard to think of something relevant to say everyday. I found this idea over @ Ella. I promise to share the project as I work on it. I start it this weekend.

5. I'm really excited about my cousins Roo's wedding. Just over a month away.

6. I'm going to be a good cousin and a good sister all in one day. The bridal shower for Roo's fiancee is the same day as my sister Patti's engagement party, only in the afternoon. So I'm going to go to the shower and then drive 2 hours to be @ Patti and Ry's party.

7. I'm going to cry my heart out @ my cousin Andrea's wedding. Happy tears of course. This girl deserves all the happiness in the world and I think she might be finally getting it and I couldn't be more excited for her.

8. I'm going to dance the night away with some middle school girlfriends @ Ape's wedding. Can't wait.

9. NKOTBSB in TO with my best friend...enough said.

10. Help my sister plan her wedding.

That's my list folks, thanks for stopping by.
Ciao for now.

Nana's influence

Good Afternoon!! Keshet over @ Ella is talking to various scrapbookers about how their scrapbook styles influence their home decorating. Today was week two, in I think a series of five. So it got me to thinking about it myself, I don't think that my scrapbooking style has influenced my decorating but there are items that I have decorated with that inspire how I hope to scrap one day. Currently I scrap in a very clean, straight line way. I wish I could take more risks, I want my pages, when appropriate to be more whimsical.

This is why; my Nana is an amazing crafter...one could say she is an artist. It doesn't matter what it is, she ROCKS it. A few years ago the local symphony (of which she volunteers for) played a concert, my Nana was in charge of the floral arrangement. Needing a theme, my Nana and I looked over the playlist, the last piece had to do with fairy tales or Cinderella ( I wish I could remember what it was). I said it would be really cool if she could use that as a theme and she did. She made two arrangements, for one she used a old beautiful shoe ( it was sparkly) and the flowers over flowed out of it and the other had flowers spilling out of an old garden boot. Amazing.

So back to home decor, my Nana made me these.

They currently hang in my bathroom. There are actually 6, my sister Patti has the other 3. She painted them on leftover bathroom tile. I remember that tile, even though her bathroom has gone thru a few transformations since she made them when I was a little girl. Can't you feel the whimsy? I have no idea where she got the idea from but it wouldn't surprise me if she saw something a tiny bit similar in a magazine and ran with it, making them completely her own (something I'm still trying to learn). She does this all the time, she once saw homemade knitted Christmas stockings in a magazine and thought "What a great idea" and that year we all got stockings for Christmas, with Christmas trees and snowmen on them, all of them different. She had no pattern, it was all out of her head. When it comes to crafts and art she has no problems taking risks. My sister Patti, is like that too.

Keshet's article got me thinking about these tiles and how I wish I would take more risks. So, when I come back from Punta Cana with my vacation photos, I'm going to take more risks when I scrap them. I'll keep you posted on how I do.

Here it goes

Okay so I have never blogged before but I thought I would give it a try. I've become obsessed with scrapbooking and want a place to showcase some of my stuff. My sister P is very creative and also has a blog. This year she has been doing "daily" design challenges and has really inspired me. She isn't into scrapbooking but I think that she would love it. We don't live in the same city and I have so enjoyed her work, that I really wanted to share mine with her. Maybe I can inspire her. :)