2014 reflection - a confession

Happy New Year everyone! Now is the time to reflect on the past year.

 

I hesitated  to write this post b/c isn't all babies and adventures - although there is some of that but it is also about my struggle this year. A struggle that I carried with me all year - and maybe before that. A struggle that I didn't have a name for, until two weeks ago when my DR told me I scaled mild to moderate on the depression scale. I also don't want to make this post a pity party, because it is not. You might think WTF, she has a blessed life and I'll admit that I do. It's not about that, it's about a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can not fix on my own. If two of my lovelies Anne Theriault and Melody Ross have taught me anything this year, it is sharing our stories are important. Someone out there might need to read this, so this post is for them.

 

The year started with a kick in the pants from a friend whom told me I wasn't putting myself 'out there' enough when it came to dating. Man, I was mad at him but he was right. So I did what he suggested and the result found me with a really nice guy. A guy that I could see myself falling in love with some day. And while he could see himself maybe falling for me someday, he just wasn't ready and we decided that we'd just be friends for now. I'll admit, I was sorely disappointed. And I discovered, I was still carrying around some pain left over from some long past relationships and I had the opportunity to work thru that at the time.

 

This is when I first noticed something wasn't quite okay. You see I didn't realize how much stress I had, until it was gone and then came back. The guy I had been spending time with made me feel at peace and content and worry free and we had fun together. He was a great hugger, which is a huge stress reliever for me apparently. Even though I didn't share all my stress with him, I felt like I could. I felt the burden of the world lift because I could share it with him if I wanted. I felt safe. So the stress went away. And when he went away, it came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was on high alert all the time, at work, at home, everywhere. I didn't feel relaxed ever, and I never felt peaceful.

 

Over the last couple years I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself feel okay, so I worked my way thru The Walk by Brave Girls. My take away from that is; we are all BELOVED and each day I should go out in the world and act as if I'm beloved and treat everyone as if they are beloved too. In doing this, I think, I hope, I have become more gentle with other people - I'll be the first to admit I can be judgy sometimes. It has certainly helped with my interactions with my patients, for which I am grateful. However, that gentleness didn't quite transfer over to myself.

What I bring to the circle

I also participated in #100happydays. Which I'm sure kept me from falling into a black hole. I wrote about it here.

Getting ready for a music video shoot.

Nick Carter....my boy and his guitar.

 

During that time, I went on an amazing adventure to New Orleans. It is a place I have wanted to visit for a long time. I felt good there...I'm pretty sure I was a Southern Belle in another life time. I loved learning the history; creoles, slavery, the civil war, jazz, pirates, voodoo, witch craft and vampires. It was like being in France/Spain but I didn't have to leave the continent.  Occasionally, I wished for a particular male companion but I actually enjoy travelling by myself. My schedule, my agenda. I got to see nearly everything I wanted and more and have made a list of places I want to visit next time. On the way there I stopped in at The Museum of African American History and learned that we are all descended from a single female in ancient Africa; mitochondrial DNA proves it. Making us more the same than we think. I stopped in Nashville and stood on the Opry stage, there are no words for this. I toured the grounds of two very beautiful plantation homes, Laura and Oak Alley. Both very different in appearance and how they treated their slaves. It was a good trip and I felt good when I came home.

Me in New Orleans

Laura

Oak Alley

I finished up my fourth palliative care course and only had one and my placement to go but decided to take the summer off. I had plans, lots of them.

 

Then something bad happened at work. A patient I was looking after, got really sick and there was nothing I nor the DR could do about it and she died. I think this is when hole started to open up. I believe this b/c the same week, my sister had friends visiting from overseas - girls I had met before and absolutely adore and had been excited to see - and all of a sudden, I didn't care if Katie included me in their activities or not. That's kind of messed up, particularly since I love those girls so much.

 

Katie, Charlee, Lily and Lucy at Sauble Beach.

 

 My nephew Thomas was born and it felt anticlimactic. He was born the same day that bad thing happened at work and for awhile they were linked in my mind. I should add here, now I think he is the bees knees and I think he thinks that about me too.

Thomas

I developed a stomach ulcer that would not go away. My migraines became worse, when normally they are better in the summer. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over and I had a fun summer, one of my oldest friends got married and I did lots of fun stuff. I rode a horse for the first time, my Nana turned 80, my Grandma turned 90, there was a family reunion on my Dad's side and I got to become good friends with my cousins James and Alex.

 

The beginning of fall saw me in Montreal for CNTC Arbonne, with a few members of our team. I explored and listened and showed up. I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. I came home inspired, knowing I wasn't quite ready for it all yet but with plans to get me ready. That inspiration didn't last very long. I felt unhappy, I told my Mom I was unhappy. She told me I was okay, that I was doing okay.

 

Best view in Montreal

 

I felt disconnected from everything. Except for one thing; that guy and I were still hanging out a bit and I felt like he tethered me to the earth. Which I realize now is completely unfair. We started to hang out more and I hoped it was going to go somewhere but if I'm honest I knew it might not and when I came home from my amazing trip to North Carolina (you can read about that here) he told me he didn't want to date me anymore.

 

Nags Head Beach

 

 

Big black ugly hole. I admit, I can be melodramatic sometimes (you might want to stay away from me if I have to work nights), I tend to worry but I am usually able to pull myself out of it. I know how to deal with my stress, what I need to do to alleviate it but none of those things were working. Work was stressful, so I applied and got a new job -which I'll have had for 3 months by the time I start it. I was angry. I had worked so hard to find out who I was and it didn't appear to make a difference. I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do -like work or laundry. I didn't want to do anything I loved to do - like yoga or choir or scrapbooking; it's taken me way longer to finish my New Orleans scrapbook than it should have and the only reason I went to choir was b/c Tara picked "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. Which I sang for this lyric "And I am done with this graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. "  This was how I felt...told you I could be melodramatic. I literally had to drag myself to do stuff. And I think I ate my feelings too.  I hated the palliative  care course I was taking and I hated the instructor. But my Mom kept telling me, "at least you are getting out of bed, at least you are still doing stuff. You are coping." But I didn't feel like I was. True, it could have been worse, I could have been staying in bed all day - I know someone whom that is a reality for - but forcing yourself to do things you love? That isn't a life either.

 

So I kept my unhappiness to myself. Who would care anyway? What was the point anyway? I began to scare myself a little.

 

Then one morning, I went into work and one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. She had noticed that I hadn't greeted her the way I normally do. And I told her I was stressed all the time. I didn't want to be at work and I didn't want to be at home. And I started to cry. The other nurses at the nurses station all hugged be and told me they loved me. My co-worker said; "You need to see your DR." Finally, someone noticed what I had noticed. I wondered if I might be depressed but then reminded myself that I had just broken up with someone I really liked and maybe I was just feeling bad about that (disclaimer - the break up did NOT cause my depression). But if I was really honest, it had been going on long before that. Finally, someone validated what I had been thinking myself. I made an appointment that day - though it was 3 weeks before I could get in and I called EAP for some counselling.

 

While I waited Hannah Marcotti offered a course on sexy selfies, so I did that and found women whom had the same struggles as me.

 

I invited my niece Lexi for a sleep over and crafted with her all weekend.

 

Lexi playing with my vision board words.

 

 

The counselling sessions have helped me identify some of my self destructive behaviour - like isolation and under sharing.  Something I hope to work on this year. My best friend cried the other day when I told her b/c she wished she had known, so she could have been there for me.

 

It has only been two weeks since I saw my DR but already I feel better. I might have had no control over this happening to me but I can take responsibility for how I handle it now. I can't do it alone and that is okay.

 

I spent the last day of the old year with family, most importantly Lexi and Thomas.

 

Thomas and I at Pizza Hut.

Pure delight, Miss Lexi on New Years Eve.

 

 

I write this b/c it is important to know that depression can happen to anyone, even someone with a pretty blessed life - like me, like a few other people I know. It can also take many forms, from mild to severe. If not looked after mild can go right to severe in an instant. It is okay to ask for help, it does not mean you are broken. For some reason depression has a bad rap but it shouldn't. Does it make you think Robin Williams was any less brilliant or less worthy of a good life? It actually makes me love him more. If you think you aren't okay, you probably aren't. Please reach out, please ask for help.

 

My word for last year was trust. I have learned to trust my journey, this is only a small part of it. This year my word is hope. They say "it's always darkest before the dawn" so I am hopeful for a better year.

 

I hope you learned a lot last year and it wasn't too painful. If it was, here's to a better year for you too!

You are beloved.

 

 

I Want

I want warm hands
I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and not feel ashamed that I do
I want to feel the anticipation and thrill of a first kiss and not the sadness of a last one
I want to wake up and watch him sleep...
I want to love with recklessness
I want paint and glue on my hands
I want to feel kindred
I want to smell him and know his scent is meant for me
I want little children kisses and little children hugs
I want to hold hands
I want to reach out and touch
I want to give compliments with confidence
I want hugs
I want to feel alive and awake
I want to sit in the ocean and admire it's beauty
I want my beauty to be defined by me
I want to lay in bed and listen to the rain
I want to love and protect and treasure this skin I am in
I want to sing loudly and joyfully
I want hands on my bare back
I want to be seen, all my perfection and imperfection
I want to be me

In Rememberance

We called him Poppa with the funny shoe. He had nicotine stained fingers, large glasses and he loved to garden.

His attestation papers describe him as having a fair complexion, brown hair and blue eyes, 5 feet 11.

He was 19 when he signed up in 1917 according to his war records. As a rural boy, whom was needed to help his mother and brothers run the farm, it was not expected that he enlist. In fact none of his brothers did until after George signed up. His older brother Lynden followed him into service in 1918.

George Thomas Jenings

He was gassed over there. My Nana says that every winter he had a chest infection. Colds settling into the scars he came home with. He was one of the lucky ones. He came home. His brother Lynden died of Influenza before being able to come home.

He had 4 children, my Nana the youngest, lots of Grandchildren, lots and lots of Great Grandchildren and now Great Great Grandchildren.

Dad, Nana, Me, Poppa Jenings,Patti and Danny.

He loved gadgets. The family farm had a Delco plant (a generator) long before the electric lines were brought out.

He loved to dance with my Great Nana. She would close her eyes and allow George to lead her.

He fancied himself a handy man. Because he was a lefty he always hooked up the hot and cold water backwards. Once he had hot water running in the toilet.

My most vivid memory of him: is of him in the hospital following hip surgery (not his first and also why he had to wear a raised shoe). I was between 6 and 8 and I was with my Uncle Dave -whom was visiting from university- and Poppa Jenings wanted to show Uncle Dave his incision. He lifted the sheet and beckoned Uncle Dave over. I was to stand on my side of the bed, it was not for young ladies to see. I got the impression that my Uncle Dave didn't really want to see it and I felt that the incision was wasted on him. I really wanted to see it. I thought of him the first time I ever had to remove staples from a hip incision.

He spent many winters in Florida. He was my first miracle, he'd had a stroke when away one year and I prayed that he would live and he did, for many years after. He died when he was 96.

In a way he fought so that I could travel all over the world,so that my sister Katie could spend a year in Spain. He fought for peace, he fought for choice. In a way he fought so I could go to nursing school, so I could own my own home, so I could have the choice to have a baby on my own  if I wanted.

Today I remember him. Today I remember them.

Me and Poppa Jenings

The Wave

I have wanted to share my experience at Serendipity but have been struggling to find the words. How do you explain a truly magical wondrous experience to someone who wasn’t there?

I arrived to the Outer Banks after a 15hour drive in the rain and I could immediately feel a change, a change in me, also as if I was arriving to another world.

Nags Head, NC

 

 

There are no words to explain the Outer Banks to someone whom has never been there. No words would do it justice.

 

No words to explain Serendipity either. Beautiful souls gathering together to explore themselves, support each other and eat way too much lovingly prepared food. Loud moments and quiet ones.

One of the amazing beach houses we stayed in.

 

 

I had the honour to get to cry with and laugh with and cheer and sing with and encourage some amazing women.

 

Our prayer banner.

 

I, a non-writer was called to take a writing class and I found out that I have a voice and that my love is huge, intense, magical and amazing. My stories are worth sharing.

I was excited for the new beginnings I was getting to have. The new job waiting for me when I got home. The boy I was falling in love with. The prologue I had just written. (YOU GUYS I WROTE A PROLOGUE!) The new friendships I was making.

I got to spend the day painting, and gluing, and cutting with a good friend. And I got to witness a small part of her new beginning. And it is amazing and a long time coming, she writes about some of it here.

This beautiful soul is Melody Ross!

 

On our last night together I stood in a room full of women that were all still new to me and felt like I belonged. A feeling I don’t get to have very often. I felt seen and I saw and I loved them all anyway.

I left there feeling looked after and so very grateful.

On our first night together and our last night together Michelle and Jen spoke about how re-entry might be difficult and I put it off for as long as I could.

I traveled to nearby Wilmington, via the lost colony of Roanoke.

Where is the colony?

 

I found the spot were Nathan gave Haley the Cracker Jack bracelet.

"Don't say I never gave you anything."

 

I imagined myself on the Rivercourt.

It use to be here.

 

I walked across Lucas’ bridge.

"I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately."

 

I heard ghost stories.

Is that an orb in that cemetery?

 

I caught a wave, then caught another wave.

A tired wet suit and surf board.




Look at those waves!

 

I visited a huge Antebellum mansion.

Bellamy Mansion

 

Gained more freckles.

I love my selfie.

 

On my way home I stumbled across a TAPS memorial, stood on the banks to the James River and cried as the bugle played.

On the banks of the James River.




Pebble beach.

 

I spent a whole day driving, itching to get my hands on a certain boy.

I came home excited about what the world had in store for me.

But my re-entry was not what I expected it to be. I did not arrive home to my guy waiting for me. I still didn’t know when my new job would start (not until the New Year apparently). And not a single Elsa came to my house on Hallowe’en night.

When I did connect with said guy, it did not go how I had hoped. He didn’t want to be with me and it wasn’t my fault. In fact he thought I was amazing and when I said maybe love wasn’t meant for me, he told me he knew for sure that it was, I loved so well and so easily. But he wasn’t ready and it wasn’t fair to me. And he held me while I cried and told me I was safe. He showed me how much love he had to give, quite and gentle and amazing. It occurs to be that my love is not meant for him, his not meant for me.

In order to honour how much I could have loved him I know that I have to let him go but I have spent most of the last week in yoga pants and cozy sweaters, feeling numb or crying at the drop of a hat. Feeling paralyzed. Worrying that there was something wrong with me. This was not how it was suppose to be.

Then my new amazing friend Kate posted this photo on her blog.

(Photo credit the amazing talented Kate Inglis)

 

It’s me sitting in the ocean looking out at the waves, looking like a regular pin-up girl (her words not mine). What you can’t see in this photo is that shortly before it was taken I had gotten knocked over by a huge wave (even Kate didn’t know that when she snapped this pic). It dragged me across the ocean floor but it did not pull me under. It did not even leave me paralyzed. I sat there and admired the beauty of it, the vastness of the ocean. I sat there like I meant to sit there and was not merely knocked over.

I have been knocked over by a huge wave and I have been allowing it to pull me under. I have not been admiring the beauty of it. The new beginning of a swelling wave, I’ve only been able to see the crash of the surf. This allows the man whom is meant for my huge, intense, magical amazing love to enter my life. So I think I’ll just sit a while and admire the view, the ocean is ever changing, you never know which waves will knock you over or which ones will allow you to catch them. The trick is to not get pulled under. Sitting here in the ocean, I get the feeling that anything can happen and I’m ready for it.

 

 (disclaimer: posted with permission of said boy, I am not in the business of hurting people)

 

#100happydays

I haven't been blogging much (though I did write this for The Brave Girl Post about deciding I was worth fighting for) because I have been focused on a photography challenge called 100happydays. The object of the challenge was to take a photo of something that makes you happy and share it everyday for 100 days. Is it possible to be happy everyday for 100 days? The answer is YES! Though sometimes they were moments, more than days.

Even though I am an optimist, have a bubbly personality and smile most of the time, I have the tendency to dwell and worry. So this was a perfect challenge for me. A reminder that there is something to be happy about everyday. A co-worker put it well; "Yes, there is something to be happy about everyday, even if that is only that you woke up breathing today. " That doesn't mean there won't be bad days, I had a number of them while I did this challenge, a couple of them really bad. I found that it was helpful to look towards the happy, even if just for a moment.

Sometimes this challenge was difficult; what do you take a photo of when you have spent 12 hours at work today? Even if something happy happened at work - like, an old man sing show tunes to me after his surgery- I couldn't, because of the nature of confidentiality, post them. And what about after night shifts? Sometimes, even on days off, I had to think about what I was going to post. Apparently, I'm capable of making my own happiness and it is most often small simple things. I'm not as hard to please as I thought. Most of my photos can be placed in 10 categories.

Food
Day 51. May 20th. Yummy Beignets. #100happydays #musicandslavesvaction #livingalifethatsgood — at Cafe Beignet at Music Legends Park

Friends

Day 69. Heidi's Bridal Shower. I love this girl, I have loved her since that day in Live Fit and she asked me to be her partner and introduced me to the Backstreet Boys. She was my very first friend when we moved to KW, so it's not surprising that she has made some amazing girlfriends since we met. In a month she will marry the man she has waited her whole life for, the man we dreamed about when we were teenagers. I am so excited for her and I'm really excited for Paul too. Because I know that Heidi was worth waiting for too. #100happydays #worthwaitingfor

Art
Day 68. Spackle, not just for drywall. #100happydays #BraveGirlArtSchoolWings

Family
Day 94. I got a two hour cuddle with my sweet smelling brand new nephew, Thomas. #100happydays #Ilovethisboy #loveatfirstsight

Books
Day 63. Kate Morton might be my favourite author right now. Her books are lengthy (but under 500 pages, so therefore trust worthy) but can be read quickly, mostly because you can't stop. The ending to this one nearly made me gasp. #100happydays #KateMorton

Throwback Thursday
Day 81. Throw back Thursday. My Nana, my Dad, my Great Poppa, Patti, Danny and me. After a long day at work this photo makes me smile. I clearly dressed myself. And apparently as a little girl I was always cold, some things never change. #100happydays #tbt

My garden
Day 61. It is amazing how much can change in two short weeks. Before I left for holidays, my lilac trees looked like sticks, now they are in full bloom. #100happydays #lovespringflowers

Tea
Day 24. White tea and a good book is how I relax after a day shift. #100happydays #TedDekker #relax #newteamugs

History
Day 53. May 22nd. Old school syringes Can you imagine using these? #100happydays #musicandslavesvacation

Music
Day 39. Yesterday's photo. A boy and his guitar. If you have known me a long time, you know that I will forever be on Team Nick. When he pulled out his guitar to play Incomplete, I almost started to cry. He has had some demons to face and it was amazing to see him happy and healthy! So proud of this Brave Dude. Plus guys and guitars are hot. #100happydays #teamnick #KTBSPA

This challenge also helped my photography skills, as I learned to look at items from different perspectives and use different settings. I also learned how to take a selfie. 

I was surprised by the feedback I received. My Aunt Shirley told me how much she loved my positive outlook. Other friends told me how much they enjoyed seeing what I would post each day. I did this for me, not realizing the impact it would have on others. 100happydays is a game changer. Do it for yourself, but I bet you'll brighten someone else's day too.
Ciao!

2013 a year in review.

I remember how hopeful I felt at the beginning of last year. I was going to spend the year counting my blessings, my word for the year was going to be SPARKLE. I really felt like this was it, I was finally the girl GOD intended me to be and since I was that girl now then that guaranteed me my most wished for wish, the beginnings of a family of my own. But GOD had other plans for me this year, some of those plans, I have no idea what he was thinking, but some of those plans were truly amazing.

I did spend the first part of the year counting my blessings; my siblings, my parents, my Nana, my Grandma, my cousins, my friends, music, books, the Backstreet Boys, hot chocolate,first kisses in the snow. I decided to take some palliative care/oncology courses ( I completed 3). Brave Girls offered an art class online, so I participated in that. My niece learned how to say my name. My book club had some great discussions. I was dating!

Then I started to fall for a guy whom never intended to fall for me. Actually that's not really a fair statement, the truth is we weren't on the same page. He wanted something that I wasn't prepared to give and I wanted something that he was not even close to being ready to give to ANYONE. He saw that a little sooner than me, which meant that I got rejected and felt defeated. Soon things that I was capable of doing, like cutting the grass, living alone, cooking for one, felt like big huge deals. Was there something wrong with me?? I asked myself and my mom, on more than one occasion. To say that this coloured huge chunks of my year, would be an understatement. It would mean that I would have to go to my brother's wedding alone and that made me really sad. It would mean no slow dancing at that wedding either. It would mean no one to travel with. It would mean that no one would see me for who I REALLY was. It hurt a lot and it still stings just a bit, if I think about it for too long. This is the part of GODS plan that I can't see why it even happen yet. Someday soon I hope I will.

But I did what a Brave Girl does and I did it anyway. I worked on my art, I worked on my courses, I went to bridal showers, I planned trips, I cooked meals, went to yoga, cut the grass, went to work, got out of bed, smiled, shopped, crafted, sang, went to church and hugged even though my heart wasn't always in it. My new word became FORTATUDE.

I did have to go to my brother Dan's wedding alone but I got to walk down the aisle with my fave person, my niece Lexi, because she didn't want to walk with anyone else. I got to slow dance with my brother Tim and Lexi to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler."

I got to spend the summer with my brother Tim b/c he came home from school to work at the marina even though that wasn't in his plan but I'm so happy he did.

I participated in GISHWHES with an old friend. Toast for underwear, is very uncomfortable, in case you wanted to know. :)

I went on an amazing solo trip to my happy place, Manitoulin Island. I was so at peace there. I learned First Nations crafts, made bannock, spent a lovely evening talking with a woman who feeds herself and her partner all year from her garden, stayed at Meldrum Bay Inn (a place I have wanted to stay in since I was a little girl), swam, read, explored every Island Museum and talk to lots and lots of people. It is not something I will soon forget.

I made a new friend and we stayed friends even after I puked all over her car on our first short road trip.

I joined a new choir in town and sang my heart out!

I am learning self care and have discovered podcasts.

I travelled 3536km to Idaho for Brave Girls camp, all by myself. I saw snow in Wyoming, a huge Lincoln head, visited a Holocaust Museum, stopped in to see some Mormons, learned a lot about how the west was settled, visited the largest truck stop in the world, spent a morning in small town USA, went to an aviation museum and so much more. And when I arrived in Boise my Brave Girl sisters were waiting for me. And they SAW me for who I really am. I was so loved on and continue to get loved on my them. The BGC staff and the women that I feel so blessed to have met, have changed my life. I miss them everyday. It was okay that I cried. They loved that I was the first to meals just because I was happy not to have had to cook it myself.  They loved my rendition of "If I had a million dollars." They hugged me. They cried with me, as I cried with them. I was meant to be there, even if I had to make that journey alone. And I can't wait to go back!!

I went to hear my fave author Ted Dekker speak and then I talked to him! I flirted a little with the band who opened for him.

I started my Arbonne business. I get to work with my cousin's wife. We get to do facials for people and talk about a fantastic product. For me it's not about the money at all but for the new friendships I have made. I always thought I didn't make friends easily but that's not true at all. I can't wait to meet all the people that Arbonne will put in my path. We are going to have so much fun!!

This year my word is TRUST. Trust that I'll be okay. Trust myself. Trust that GOD has a wonderfully fantastic plan for me. Trust that guys wont always break my heart, b/c one day one wont. Trust that he will show up when the time is right. Trust that someday I will have a family of my own. Trust that whatever I want to do, I can. Trust.

Happy New Year!!

A recurring dream.

          I have this recurring dream. In it, I'm standing on a covered porch. It is summer and it's rain - hard. The rain is accompanied by thunder and lightening. So much lightening that it lights up the whole sky. With me, is a little girl with strawberry blonde curls. She looks at me with her big blue eyes - the same eyes my sister Patti had as a little girl, the same eyes my niece Lexi has now. Her eyelashes so long other women will envy them someday. Freckles dot her nose. She smiles at me. She is 3 years old and she is mine.

            The screen door behind us creaks open.

            "What are you crazy girls doing?" a male voice asks. Without turning, I know that he is handsome.

            The little girl giggles, her damp curls bounce.

            "We are watching lightening Daddy. Me and Momma love thunderstorms."

            "Come inside you goofs," He laughs, a laugh so deep that if I laid my head on his chest I would feel it resonate there. "I'll make hot chocolate."

            We turn to him and he lifts the little girl into his arms, much to her delight. She is as smitten with this man as I am. I can't see his face except for the outline of a wickedly sexy grin. Even after years, this man still makes me melt. This is my family, this is my home. Just as he leans to kiss me, I wake up.

            I hope this is a vision of the future and not just my mind playing a cruel trick on me. Of all the prayers I have prayed, this is my most solemn. More than anything in the world, this is what I want. It is buried so deep in my heart, I can't imagine it not coming true. Right now all I can do it wait, turn it over to God and when the time is right, it will happen. I believe this with all my heart. I don't really have any other choice.