It's been awhile since my depression confession. I'm not sure what has kept me from writing but I think it has to do with the fact that despite the hopeful tone of my last post, life has been hard. These last months have been filled with lots of hard work and lots of change. There has been lots of dark moments entwined with joyful ones. In fact I had one of those today. You see, I've felt so good lately and it really surprised me that I started to cry after getting a call about a play I had auditioned for and did not get. It didn't take me long to realize it wasn't about the play at all but about a lie I have been telling myself since the very first time I was picked last for a team (and every time after) that I am unchooseable. I mean that is the pattern in my life, last picked for teams, not picked for plays, not picked for friendships, and certainly NEVER picked when it comes to men. There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy, season 2, I think, when Meredith and Derrick are stuck in an elevator (it's about halfway thru the season after Addison arrives and Derrick has to pick) and Meredith pleads with him and tells him to pick her. It's a powerful scene and I have often felt like she did. Clearly this is a lie and something I'll be talking about in counselling this week. ;)
That's not what I came to write. I came to write that despite of that, despite bad days or moments, during recovery there can still be lots of JOY and this summer was filled with it. I wrote this list to remind myself of all I do have, because I do have a lot. I want to share that list with you, to give you hope today if you need it.
JOY is a baby shower for an old friend.
JOY is feeling safe and secure in the house where that shower was held.
JOY is kisses from Thomas. He really does give good ones, all over your face.
JOY is singing my heart out at our end of the year choir show, alone and killing it.
JOY is drinks and food afterwards.
JOY is a brand new nephew named Lochlan.
JOY is watching my sister grow as a mom.
JOY is hearing her tell you, that Loch is lucky you are his aunt.
JOY is a really good book club book.
JOY is only really books you want to.
JOY is cuddles with Lochlan.
JOY is picking out a birthday gift for Thomas.
JOY is listening to Hanson.
JOY is thrift shopping for vintage items.
JOY is a very old quilt.
JOY is yoga.
JOY is spending a whole Sat shopping downtown.
JOY is a pool party at the home of a co-worker.
JOY is serving table 1, at the soup kitchen.
JOY is joining H at the piano.
JOY is my bible study family.
JOY is singing with a grand piano.
JOY is exploring antique stores.
JOY is flee markets.
JOY is a shadow named Lexi.
JOY is playing paper dolls.
JOY is conversations with my brother.
JOY is campfires.
JOY is feeling peaceful.
JOY is jumping waves.
JOY is Lexi giggles.
JOY is watching the sunset with my Dad.
JOY is a Backstreet Boy, living room solo dance party.
JOY is garlic spread.
JOY is a needle and thread.
JOY is planning a baby shower.
JOY is a harvest table found by a co-worker.
JOY is 10 dollar chairs to go with.
JOY is exploring the area where I live.
JOY is vintage jewellery.
JOY is a house, full of sisters and cousins.
JOY is making Grandma a perfect ice cream sundae.
JOY is two little girls playing dolls in my spare room.
JOY is a sleepover with Lexi.
JOY is choosing NOT to go in the haunted house.
JOY is a working sewing machine.
JOY is textiles.
JOY is making pillows out of vintage hankies.
JOY is a really ugly yellow chair.
JOY is spending an afternoon on the farm house porch.
JOY is Zumba.
JOY is a sacred place to write, with like minded souls.
JOY is discovering Nate and Beth.
JOY is really cold swims in Georgian Bay.
JOY is having the best sleep ever.
JOY is lovingly prepared food, enjoyed together.
JOY is home.
JOY is top down days.
JOY is ice cream sundae dishes.
JOY is being certain that I will be okay.
JOY is farmers market flowers.
JOY is drive-in movies.
JOY is finding a second or is it third, church community.
JOY is younger cousins.
JOY is vintage suitcases.
JOY is being certain that true love is meant for me.
JOY is yummy ice cream with a friend and a walk on the beach.
JOY is having Thomas climb into your lap to finish his bottle and Lexi cuddle in.
JOY is homemade strawberry, chocolate, and salted caramel sauce.
JOY is spending the afternoon at the beach with your best friend.
JOY is the candy store.
JOY is pretty dainty rings.
JOY is new (to me) clothes.
JOY is hugs from co-workers.
JOY is gazing at the stars when arriving home really late from work.
JOY is every child I care for in the hospital.
JOY is learning form those children.
JOY is paying someone else to cut the grass.
JOY is cornflowers.
JOY is sunsets seen from Recovery room.
JOY is feeling hopeful.
JOY is healing.