2015 - I live

My New Year post last year confessed that I had depression. This year I confess that I still have depression. I had been hopeful that by this time this year I wouldn't but I do. And I expect to still have depression this time next year. Fortunately, I can say I no longer suffer from depression but I still live with it, every single day. And I have not done it alone, not by any means. I've also had do a lot of stuff to keep the darkness at bay. I'm going to share some of the things I have done this year, in the hopes to give someone else hope. Hope that it is possible to live with depression and have a full life.

 

 

I've checked in with my DR often. She is keeping a close eye on me as we adjust medications and just to generally see how I am doing. This has been an important piece in my care.

 

I have talked with various counsellors, both on the phone and in person. It's nice to be validated.

 

At the beginning of the year I started a new job. This has made a huge difference. I actually want to go to work now. Some days when snuggling with crying children I can't believe this is actually my job, that I actually get paid to do it. No more night shifts have helped a lot and not as many 12 hour shifts have helped me feel like I have a life. I may have to be there a little more often, but I'm a lot more productive on my days off because I don't feel like a zombie (and ya'll know how much I hate zombies) all the time. This job came with perfect timing.

 

I went to Brave Girls Camp in March. We laughed and laughed. We sang. Nancy cooked amazing food for us. We created. I didn't even freak out when my luggage was lost on both the way there and the way home. Two days on the way home spent with two other Brave sisters was just what I needed.

 

I went to Sister Camp in Arkansas in April. Run by a fellow Brave Girl (D'Wana), it was crucial in my self care. Art, lecture and nature. Lots of together time and lots of alone time if you wanted. Tons of yummy food. And Noah Luke. Noah Luke is D'Wana's little boy. We had an instant connection. He touched my face and told me he had missed me (even though we had just meet). He picked flowers for me. I was fully present with him. Children have a way of doing that to me.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I chose to be present with my niece and nephews. Spending a day at Storybook park with my Lexi turned into "The best day ever" (her words) and a really fun day for me too. Lexi is really curious and asks tons of questions, she has taught me to explain my health teaching to my patients more simply and to compare it to something they already know if I can.  Snuggling a sleeping Thomas is extremely relaxing. When Lochlan studies my face, I study his too. Lochlan instinctively knows that I am someone he can count on. He probably sees me better than anyone else and he is only 6 months old. 

 

I took the year off from dating. Seriously, I didn't have a single date and I'm completely okay with that. I really had to spend this year focusing on me and not putting all my hopes and dreams and desires and happiness in one basket..err boy. That said. I'm really excited to get back at it this year. So if you know anyone??

 

I served meals at our local soup kitchen. Helping others has helped me too.

 

Brave Girl University. Wow, that's all I can say. So may courses by so many beautiful souls. All of which have aided my self care.

 

I entered the 21st century and finally bought a cell phone and a smart phone at that. My cell phone has made me more connected with my siblings. Patti sends me photos of Loch often and if I'm feeling down I can just send a text to Katie telling her I love her and she always sends me one back. It has helped me feel less isolated from them. And it's the best way to get in contact with Dan and Tim.

 

Purging things out of my house has also made a difference. I love to keep everything but this year I started to look at the items in my home and in my closest and asked myself if they are useful or bring me joy. I've been carrying around lots of stuff that I have no use for anymore. It is perfectly okay to let go of things that no longer serve you, even if they use to mean a lot to you once. There are a few things I know I need to let go (like the CD player I practically wore out as a teenager or the giant bear I won at Canada's Wonderland when I was 8) that I'm not really ready to let go of yet. Part of my self care is recognizing that and being gentle with myself and knowing that when the time is right I will be able to let them go.

 

Letting go of things have also allowed me to curate my home. It meant going to second hand shops, flee markets and antique stores and picking items with purpose and joy. I'm getting to the point where everything in my house is here because I want it to be and not because I needed an item and someone gave it to me. I feel like I have created a home and I'm really proud of how it is coming together.

 

I spent a weekend in two small cottages only 20mis away from home writing my book, fleshing out Beth and Nate and Jake. Sharing my work with other writers. I need to write, even if no one ever sees it.

 

I went to an art dance retreat with a co-worker and I took back my dance. Dancing had never been the same after breaking up with my first boyfriend in my early 20s (we went dancing together often) and during this retreat, I just let go and dance felt authentic again. That has lead to Zumba class, Nia class and Backstreet Boy dance parties in my living room.

 

I am taking back my body. Depression has messed with it a little. I am seeing a dietician to help me put good things in my body. I am exercising more consistently. I am drinking lots of water. I have more energy and am not as tired anymore.

 

I stopped reading books I didn't want to read. That has meant I don't finish every book I pick up anymore. It has meant putting some books immediately in the give away pile after I've finished them.

 

I paid someone to cut the grass a couple times. I will be paying all summer this year. My grass is a constant stress for me - it just wont stop growing! No stress if I don't have to cut it.

 

I created a Saturday morning ritual. Yoga class, Farmers Market, Chai Tea latte and a wander downtown. It's a nice way to start the weekend.

 

I focused on my faith. I became part of a bible study of women whom I am so blessed to know. I pray every night. First thanking GOD for the day, asking for support for someone else and always ending asking GOD to prepare me for HIS plan. I'm starting to recognize when the enemy is speaking to me and I tell him to get lost.

 

 

It has been a full year, I've done a lot of work. I'm really excited to see what all that work will bring me for this year. I hope it will help me stop wasting time on Facebook, strengthen my boundaries, find the perfect art supply storage solution and plan more trips.

 

Welcome 2016, it's nice to meet you!

2013 a year in review.

I remember how hopeful I felt at the beginning of last year. I was going to spend the year counting my blessings, my word for the year was going to be SPARKLE. I really felt like this was it, I was finally the girl GOD intended me to be and since I was that girl now then that guaranteed me my most wished for wish, the beginnings of a family of my own. But GOD had other plans for me this year, some of those plans, I have no idea what he was thinking, but some of those plans were truly amazing.

I did spend the first part of the year counting my blessings; my siblings, my parents, my Nana, my Grandma, my cousins, my friends, music, books, the Backstreet Boys, hot chocolate,first kisses in the snow. I decided to take some palliative care/oncology courses ( I completed 3). Brave Girls offered an art class online, so I participated in that. My niece learned how to say my name. My book club had some great discussions. I was dating!

Then I started to fall for a guy whom never intended to fall for me. Actually that's not really a fair statement, the truth is we weren't on the same page. He wanted something that I wasn't prepared to give and I wanted something that he was not even close to being ready to give to ANYONE. He saw that a little sooner than me, which meant that I got rejected and felt defeated. Soon things that I was capable of doing, like cutting the grass, living alone, cooking for one, felt like big huge deals. Was there something wrong with me?? I asked myself and my mom, on more than one occasion. To say that this coloured huge chunks of my year, would be an understatement. It would mean that I would have to go to my brother's wedding alone and that made me really sad. It would mean no slow dancing at that wedding either. It would mean no one to travel with. It would mean that no one would see me for who I REALLY was. It hurt a lot and it still stings just a bit, if I think about it for too long. This is the part of GODS plan that I can't see why it even happen yet. Someday soon I hope I will.

But I did what a Brave Girl does and I did it anyway. I worked on my art, I worked on my courses, I went to bridal showers, I planned trips, I cooked meals, went to yoga, cut the grass, went to work, got out of bed, smiled, shopped, crafted, sang, went to church and hugged even though my heart wasn't always in it. My new word became FORTATUDE.

I did have to go to my brother Dan's wedding alone but I got to walk down the aisle with my fave person, my niece Lexi, because she didn't want to walk with anyone else. I got to slow dance with my brother Tim and Lexi to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler."

I got to spend the summer with my brother Tim b/c he came home from school to work at the marina even though that wasn't in his plan but I'm so happy he did.

I participated in GISHWHES with an old friend. Toast for underwear, is very uncomfortable, in case you wanted to know. :)

I went on an amazing solo trip to my happy place, Manitoulin Island. I was so at peace there. I learned First Nations crafts, made bannock, spent a lovely evening talking with a woman who feeds herself and her partner all year from her garden, stayed at Meldrum Bay Inn (a place I have wanted to stay in since I was a little girl), swam, read, explored every Island Museum and talk to lots and lots of people. It is not something I will soon forget.

I made a new friend and we stayed friends even after I puked all over her car on our first short road trip.

I joined a new choir in town and sang my heart out!

I am learning self care and have discovered podcasts.

I travelled 3536km to Idaho for Brave Girls camp, all by myself. I saw snow in Wyoming, a huge Lincoln head, visited a Holocaust Museum, stopped in to see some Mormons, learned a lot about how the west was settled, visited the largest truck stop in the world, spent a morning in small town USA, went to an aviation museum and so much more. And when I arrived in Boise my Brave Girl sisters were waiting for me. And they SAW me for who I really am. I was so loved on and continue to get loved on my them. The BGC staff and the women that I feel so blessed to have met, have changed my life. I miss them everyday. It was okay that I cried. They loved that I was the first to meals just because I was happy not to have had to cook it myself.  They loved my rendition of "If I had a million dollars." They hugged me. They cried with me, as I cried with them. I was meant to be there, even if I had to make that journey alone. And I can't wait to go back!!

I went to hear my fave author Ted Dekker speak and then I talked to him! I flirted a little with the band who opened for him.

I started my Arbonne business. I get to work with my cousin's wife. We get to do facials for people and talk about a fantastic product. For me it's not about the money at all but for the new friendships I have made. I always thought I didn't make friends easily but that's not true at all. I can't wait to meet all the people that Arbonne will put in my path. We are going to have so much fun!!

This year my word is TRUST. Trust that I'll be okay. Trust myself. Trust that GOD has a wonderfully fantastic plan for me. Trust that guys wont always break my heart, b/c one day one wont. Trust that he will show up when the time is right. Trust that someday I will have a family of my own. Trust that whatever I want to do, I can. Trust.

Happy New Year!!

A recurring dream.

          I have this recurring dream. In it, I'm standing on a covered porch. It is summer and it's rain - hard. The rain is accompanied by thunder and lightening. So much lightening that it lights up the whole sky. With me, is a little girl with strawberry blonde curls. She looks at me with her big blue eyes - the same eyes my sister Patti had as a little girl, the same eyes my niece Lexi has now. Her eyelashes so long other women will envy them someday. Freckles dot her nose. She smiles at me. She is 3 years old and she is mine.

            The screen door behind us creaks open.

            "What are you crazy girls doing?" a male voice asks. Without turning, I know that he is handsome.

            The little girl giggles, her damp curls bounce.

            "We are watching lightening Daddy. Me and Momma love thunderstorms."

            "Come inside you goofs," He laughs, a laugh so deep that if I laid my head on his chest I would feel it resonate there. "I'll make hot chocolate."

            We turn to him and he lifts the little girl into his arms, much to her delight. She is as smitten with this man as I am. I can't see his face except for the outline of a wickedly sexy grin. Even after years, this man still makes me melt. This is my family, this is my home. Just as he leans to kiss me, I wake up.

            I hope this is a vision of the future and not just my mind playing a cruel trick on me. Of all the prayers I have prayed, this is my most solemn. More than anything in the world, this is what I want. It is buried so deep in my heart, I can't imagine it not coming true. Right now all I can do it wait, turn it over to God and when the time is right, it will happen. I believe this with all my heart. I don't really have any other choice.

32 things

So, today I turn 32. Since I not 100% where I thought I would be when I was 32 (but who really is right?), I have made the commitment to focus on all the good and beautiful blessings in  my life. And all the wonderful and exciting things I have to look forward to. So here is my list of 32 for 32 of hopes and dreams and goals and all the stuff I'm going to enjoy the year I am 32.

1) As soon as the weather is nice a new friend and I are going to go for a drive in my convertible with the top down.

2) My sister Patti and her husband were more than generous to give me a gift certificate to the Brave Girls Shoppe so I am looking forward to picking out my gift...the problem will be picking out just one!

3) Find a pair of cowboy boots I love.

4) A trip to Aberfoyle market, to look for a storage solution for all my craft and art supplies.

5) Be a punk at my brother Dan's Buck and Doe.

6) Two bridal showers for my new sister in law Jessie.

7) A rambunctious bachelorette party for Jessie (provided I can get the weekend off).

8) Horse back riding with the girls from work.

9) 4X8 a study the minister at our church if putting on to ask questions about Christianity. I'm really looking forward to learn more about my own faith.

10) A solo trip to Manitoulin Island.

11) While there stay at The Meldrum Bay Inn a place I have wanted to stay in since my Nana and Poppa first took me to Manitoulin many many years ago.

12) Also stay at my first hostel, Auberge Inn.

13) Take some tours and do some activities with Great Spirit Circle Trail.

14) Farquhar's ice cream.

15) Cry at my brothers wedding.

16) Dance with my siblings and cousins at my brother's wedding.

17) Have Lexi over for a sleepover.

18) Spend some time getting to know some one new.

19) Supernatural with Timbo!

20) Learn Brian Littrell's Wish on guitar in time for Easter next year.

21) Create beautiful things

22) Scrap my heart out.

23) Brave Girls Camp!!!!!

24) Drive to and from Idaho solo.

25) Continue my palliative care studies.

26) Cook a turkey or a roast.

27) Beach road trips.

28) Take an art class.

29) A tea party with my Aunt Kate and my Nana to sort and date all my Nana's old photos.

30) Learn

31) Laugh, sing, dance, giggle, cry, kiss, hug, smile, create ...Be Brave!

32) Sparkle and shine, like the girl GOD intended me to be.

I am so excited to see what this year has in store for me...I think it is going to be amazing!!

The work of evil.

Evil exists, it is at work in our society and in our lives everyday. Don't believe me? Open your eyes wide and look around. There are the obvious signs of evil, murder, rape, etc. and as we get closer to Holy Week, I am flooded with a memory. I am standing alone in a former residence in the main square of Malaga Spain and I am crying my heart out, literally weeping. I am in the centre of a traveling exhibition  about the holy shroud of Turin and the nice British lady in my listening device has just explained to me the abuse and torture Jesus suffered at the hands of others, in great detail. I now have a clear image in my mind of what being crucified actually means. Laying in a glass casket(for lack of a better word) is a full scale anatomically correct sculpture of the body of Christ. Every bruise and every injury present, every broken bone. There is hardly an inch of Him that has not been harmed. And HIS face, HIS poor beautiful face, is an image I wont soon forget.   

But evil is at work in much more subtle ways, in addiction, depression, cancer, bullying, anxiety and even sibling rivalry. During this Lenten period, I have been taking part in a Lenten study that consists of daily devotionals. We are using this book; Diving Deeply edited by Betty Lynn Schwab. One of the days last week spoke on evil, the more subtle. And we discussed it at length, when we met this week. It got me to thinking of a patient, I had a few years ago. I can't remember what we had him for or if he was even a surgical patient, but that really doesn't matter. The fact is he was a young man (late twenties), attractive, nice and he was completely addicted to pills and his life was a mess. And my thoughts about him were this; "What a waste, what a fricken waste." I know I was not the only one who saw this young man this way. After that gentle reminder that evil is everywhere, I look at him in a different way. I don't see "a waste," I see evil at work. Truth is I didn't know his life, what struggles lead him to the path he was on. And while I do believe that everyone needs to take responsibility for the path they heading down, that doesn't mean they don't deserve to be treated with compassion while they struggle and often fail. Compassion is GODs work at its finest and yet we give it all too infrequently. Judging is easier than looking evil in the face.

Evil is hard to talk about. We don't do it much, not as Christians, not as humans and defiantly not as nurses. It is so much easier to blame the person for their failings, sometimes we forget that no one is perfect, often people blame GOD for the bad things that happen. I often hear myself say "GOD didn't do that, people did." When actually evil did. It's easier than facing the truth...evil is out there and no one is immune, not you, not me. Scary right?

We've all faced our demons, we have all had our struggles, some more than others. I have been fortunate to have a live where the forces of good are so much stronger than those of evil. Yes, I've had my heartbroken in many pieces and I've been bullied and I've been touched by cancer but evil did not win. I'm sure that evil is lurking outside my bedroom window right now but since I'm usually oblivious to any male attention I might be getting, I don't notice him. And I need to and I need to tell him to get lost. The best way I can think of to do that is the Brave Girl way, come to think of it, the Jesus way; Treat everyone, including myself (especially myself) with Kindness and Compassion. Everyone deserves it because no one is perfect. What did Jesus say; "Let those without sin among you case the first stone." John 8:7